Dear commune:

I have recently opened up a shoe shop in the Seattle area. I specialize in selling shoes to the odd-shaped footed lady for fellow. People I know where quick to offer names for the store, such as "Deformafeet" and "Freak Foot Apparel". After these names were offered, I stressed to my friends the importance of not humiliating and belittling your customer base. They agreed with me and remarked I would be quite a good businessman.

After settling on "Seattle Sam's Specialty Shoe Shop" I was admittedly a little disappointed with the turnout. The Seattle area is not as booming with odd-footed consumers as I originally thought. I have three toes on my left foot, the pinky toe of which is half a foot long, so I know the pain of going to regular shoe shops and the importance of finding a shoe store to fit your needs.

I want to advertise to a national audience and I think that the commune is the way to go. the commune readers probably have all sorts of odd-shaped limbs and body parts, and I can help them out with their footwear needs. How much does it cost to advertise on the commune website?


Samuel Carey Loopett
Seattle, Washington


Dear Samuel:

It's difficult to say how much advertising costs. Of our sponsors, only the big networks UPC and MCTV pay us in dollar amounts, each paying us $1,000 a month for their advertising spots. If that's too much for you, don't worry, the commune has unique payment programs for our advertising partners. U Ignorant pays us back with all the free degrees we need and the Handimaster 3000 folks have done all the woodwork and blowtorch repair we need around the office, at least they did until they burned down the payroll office. Now they open jars and mow our lawns when needed.

Your product sounds fascinating to us, perhaps we can work something out. Lil Duncan in particular would like to know if you can provide her with a pair of red cowboy boots with "hot stuff" stenciled on the side, size 23 men's. She would also like to use the alias "Marina Stamos".

We must say, however, we disagree with your statements about humiliating and belittling your customer base. We've had no problems at all with it from the shitheads who read our work.


the commune


Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible for calling you or anyone else shitheads. Sure, it may seem that way to the untrained eye, but only a real moron would think... enh. On second thought, just pretend you never read this page.

Volume 19
I and my drinking buddies pledge allegiance to the flag, that one right there, what a grand ol’ flag it is, with the stripes and all.

Volume 18
Please be kind enough to let us know if you ever decide to pull your head out of your ass, because we think the resultant sound might be loud enough to scare off our livestock and we’d appreciate some warning. Thanks.

Volume 17
Thank you for your delightful attempt at deception. In the future, might we suggest something like… oh, I don’t know… a picture included or something? It’s hard to say your beer-stained hand-scribbled letter actually had us fooled for longer than two seconds.

Volume 16
Your letter is very insightful, well conceived, and makes extremely valid points. As such, I can’t say we have any experience in answering such a letter. Wow. Yep, that’s something.