Not just anyone walks away with this prize. The esteemed selection committee, made up of teachers, parents, corporate executives and our cousins, study the records of millions of high school students to find those well-rounded students with high academic marks, extra-curricular activities, and minimal acne. And you fit into that category.
Do not forget to celebrate this occasion with the purchase of a hardbound copy of Who’s Who of American High School Students for $39.95 using the included purchase form. Don’t let your relatives and loved ones be left out either—select the quantity option for as many copies as you want, and they can all enjoy your success.
The Who's Who of American High School Students
Selection Committee/Sales Team
Perhaps we should stress our incredulity by saying we’re a collective organization, an alternative news source, and not a high school student in the first place. It’s a little ridiculous to see how we could have all gone to high school under one identity, right?
Still, it will look real good on our high school transcripts. Sign us up for one—no! Two. Two. Maybe we’ll get more at a later date.
Dear WWoAHSS:
This sounds like a complete scam to us. Some privately-run company deems us an extraordinary student and wants to sell us a $40 book (or several $40 books) to bask in the glory?
the commune
Dear commune:
Hi there. I’m Chevy Chase and you’re not.
Just kidding. I only wanted to write in and say how much I love the commune, I think it’s great. It’s the last place I turn for informative news, heh.
I’m not sure if I’m your first celebrity letter or not, but it would be great to fill that place on the commune wall of fame. I’ve seen some of those news articles you’ve got about celebrities like Paul McCartney and Jewel, so all I can ask ahead of time… go easy on me! Heh.
Okay, the jig’s up. I’m not Chevy Chase, and you’re not either, but I’m actually Chevy Chase lookalike Fred Coogan. I should say professional Chevy Chase lookalike, I get paid to show up at business meetings and such and pretend to be Chevy Chase for a good laugh.
Still, I bet I had you going there!
Fred Coogan
Milwaukee, WI
Dear Fred:
Thank you for your delightful attempt at deception. In the future, might we suggest something like… oh, I don’t know… a picture included or something? It’s hard to say your beer-stained hand-scribbled letter actually had us fooled for longer than two seconds. Although Red Bagel himself thinks you are Chevy Chase just trying to disguise your tracks halfway through an ill-conceived letter. Already we feel it was ill-conceived to print it, but we’re short on material.
the commune
Dear commune:
Ed Phillips here again. I am being brutally beaten by a gathering a villagers armed with torches. I would appreciate any help I can get from you, thank you kindly.
Also, I figure I can put an educational spin on all this asking the kids out there to never leave the house in a small European village with bolts on your neck. Especially a house that looks like a castle. Thanks again.
Ed Phillips
Hackensack, NJ
Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible for starting the fire. We've heard it's been burning since the world's been turning, though judging by the quick denial you might want to take another look at Billy Joel.
Volume 16
Your letter is very insightful, well conceived, and makes extremely valid points. As such, I can’t say we have any experience in answering such a letter. Wow. Yep, that’s something.
Volume 15
As you can see, this has become a much stickier issue than we’re prepared to get into. All we can say
is good luck trying to get into the Guinness Book, but we’re not getting involved.
Volume 14
Top hats have been the star on the top of the fashion tree since a long time ago. For an added touch of “ooh la la” nothing says fancy motherfucker like a top hat.
Volume 13
We at the commune do not condone violence against women, unless they are in some sort of pro-wrestling outfit, or are Diana Ross. We are sympathetic with your plight, yet sickened by your very existence.