Dear commune:

I heard rumors that the Pledge of Allegiance was being reconsidered in the wake of Sept. 11th. That some people had plans to make it mandatory to say the Pledge of Allegiance every day in school and optional at many jobs. And I heard that the new Pledge was going to include the phrase, “or may I burn like a tick on Hitler’s ass in hell.”

I’m not sure I like that, mentioning Hitler in the Pledge, I mean. The other stuff I’m benign about.


Danny Hatrack
Pounce, New Hampshire


Dear Danny:

It turns out the stuff you’ve heard about the Pledge being rewritten is a popular myth circulating in the wake of all this War on Terror patriotism. Some of it stems from confusion about the rewriting of the Constitution to remove Fourth Amendment rights for all non-wealthy Americans. But that’s been going on for years.

We should also note, interestingly enough, the Pledge of Allegiance was actually rewritten long ago into the modern incarnation we know today. Straight from the desk of Red Bagel comes the original interpretation:

“I and my drinking buddies pledge allegiance to the flag, that one right there, what a grand ol’ flag it is, with the stripes and all. Check out the stars, 13 o’ those in all, each one for the colonies. Betcha don’t see that kind of accuracy on flags of other countries. That’s the kind of country we are, damn straight. We pledge allegiance to that flag as long as it’s there—and to the Republic, always forget that part, the country for which it stands, one big nation we used to think was India, and the unexplored parts we haven’t been to yet, who knows, this bitch could go on forever, and to God Himself, may he protect us from the monsters that may dwell in them unknown parts, be they invisible, for the liberty of those who have it and the quiet assent of those who don’t. Now drink up!”

Several words were changed, according to Bagel, but the intent is still the same.


the commune


Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible, nor crunchy, we’re creamy as all get out and you’ll just have to accept it.

Volume 18
Please be kind enough to let us know if you ever decide to pull your head out of your ass, because we think the resultant sound might be loud enough to scare off our livestock and we’d appreciate some warning. Thanks.

Volume 17
Thank you for your delightful attempt at deception. In the future, might we suggest something like… oh, I don’t know… a picture included or something? It’s hard to say your beer-stained hand-scribbled letter actually had us fooled for longer than two seconds.

Volume 16
Your letter is very insightful, well conceived, and makes extremely valid points. As such, I can’t say we have any experience in answering such a letter. Wow. Yep, that’s something.