Dear Reebok:

Do you have to make your shoes so bouncy all the time? I bought my son a pair of your shoes and it wasn’t ten minutes after he put them on that he bounced right out the window. If it weren’t for the safety nets I had recently installed outside all of our windows, I don’t know what would have become of him. Are you proud of yourselves? Do you amuse yourselves with the mental images of small children bouncing out of windows while you’re making your shoes? Perhaps some people like your bouncy shoes; I can’t claim to speak for everyone. But that’s certainly not my kind of shoe.


Sandra Livingstone
Rington, Massachusetts


Dear Sandra:

Though we’d love to respond to your inanities with some sage advice, we’re afraid your letter has become somehow misdirected. Please be kind enough to let us know if you ever decide to pull your head out of your ass, because we think the resultant sound might be loud enough to scare off our livestock and we’d appreciate some warning. Thanks.


the commune


Dear Vietnamese Cat Lovers Society:

I have to admit that your advice was fantastic. The best cat really is a fat, happy cat. Unfortunately, my cat and I will be unable to attend your annual dinner, being as I ate my cat last night. Quite a plump, sunny feline, and without a bitter aftertaste at all! Head and shoulders above any cat I've eaten in the past. Or Pert Plus even, this was a delicious cat. I'd eat this cat again, and recommend it to friends. Even without tartar sauce.

And for the sake of your informed members, let it be noted that it is very difficult to feed a cat evil. I bought my cat some of the most expensive evil they had in the Disney store and he just took one little bite, maybe even just a lick, then threw up on my shoes and went over to take a nap. Granted, he did that with Fancy Feast as well, but I may have been buying the Garlic Evil flavor, I’m not sure.

I tried other methods of feeding him evil, including taping his eyelids open and buckling him into a child's car seat pointed at a television showing reruns of “Small Wonder,” but somehow he managed to get out, throw up on my shoes, and then he went over and took a nap. I've heard that other cat owners have had more success with Flintstones Chewable Evil, but I have to admit I ate the whole bottle of those before I even got home from the store. They look like little candies!

In closing, thank you for your show of concern over my cat's well being. I assure you that he was wonderful, if a bit spicy. I am impressed with your organization; perhaps I could be put on your mailing list? I'm always on the lookout for great new recipes.


Ted “Fat & Happy” Wonder
Burnage, NC


Dear Ted:

What, is our address scratched into a park bench or on a bathroom stall somewhere? Christ on a craps table.


the commune


Dear commune:

Is it for real that Tony Robbins can make my dreams come true? Because if it is, I want a restraining order against that guy. I’ve been having this gnarly dream about waking up with salmon for hands and I’ll be pissed if that really happens. Thanks.


Mike Lundtree
Provo, UT


Dear Mike:

Though we’re very happy to see that we were the actual intended recipients of your letter, we can’t help but wonder if we’d just be better off writing the letters and responses ourselves. Just a thought. As far as your question is concerned, Tony Robbins really will make your dream come true, but we’re sorry to say it’s the one about being violated by the ’79 Chargers. Thanks for writing.


the commune


Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible, rich, nor particularly good looking, but still enjoys a handjob from time to time. Is that too much to ask?

Volume 17
Thank you for your delightful attempt at deception. In the future, might we suggest something like… oh, I don’t know… a picture included or something? It’s hard to say your beer-stained hand-scribbled letter actually had us fooled for longer than two seconds.

Volume 16
Your letter is very insightful, well conceived, and makes extremely valid points. As such, I can’t say we have any experience in answering such a letter. Wow. Yep, that’s something.

Volume 15
As you can see, this has become a much stickier issue than we’re prepared to get into. All we can say is good luck trying to get into the Guinness Book, but we’re not getting involved.

Volume 14
Top hats have been the star on the top of the fashion tree since a long time ago. For an added touch of “ooh la la” nothing says fancy motherfucker like a top hat.

Volume 13
We at the commune do not condone violence against women, unless they are in some sort of pro-wrestling outfit, or are Diana Ross. We are sympathetic with your plight, yet sickened by your very existence.