A Three Hour Tour of Conspiracy the commune's Omar Bricks asks you to check your phones, your lights and your motor car at the door
Monday, Nov. 26, 2001
The other day I found myself sitting on the roof of my house, throwing
outdated eggs at some old women who were taking their daily afternoon walk
up the sidewalk across the street. One particularly well-flung egg
ricocheted off the oldest woman’s temple, striking a nerve cluster and
causing her to completely lose bowel control in an extremely messy fashion
all over my vegetarian neighbor’s lawn. And the thing is, when the detox
van showed up to take her to the drunk tank, all I could think was: “You
know what? I think Ginger and Mary Ann were lesbians.”
Practically all my life I’ve been nagged by the question of why anybody
would want to get off of Gilligan’s Island in the first place. They had
great weather, a lagoon, plenty of food, and last but not least: two fine
pieces of ass in Ginger and Mary Ann. Damn! You can bet your mini-skirted
dollar that Omar Bricks would have been starting his own civilization in
that sandy paradise. The tiny gene pool would surely have necessitated some
serious wife-swapping, and you’ve always known Omar is down with that.
Unless it involved either of the Howells, but my grade-school understanding
of biology tells me that contingency wouldn’t be very useful for
procreation. The Professor on the other hand… well, that would be just for
fun.
Now, I’m not saying everybody would like it there at first. I’m sure there
were sand crabs and no TV and other hassles, and I’m sure everyone would
get tired of the Professor constantly bitching about not having any outlets
for his hair drier.
And of course the pickings were pretty slim romance-wise. I’m sure Ginger
was saving herself for some high class sugar-daddy to snatch her up before
her looks went, and I don’t blame her. Once she hit the island, her only
prospect in that area was Mr. Howell, and that meant finding some
non-suspicious way to bump off Mrs. Howell. But she was a resourceful girl,
I imagine with time she would have worked out some kind of coconut car bomb
or at least a shiv, or she could have cut a deal with the cosmonauts, or
the Russians, or even those apes in that one episode. Hell, with a couple
of well-placed innuendos, she probably could have gotten Gilligan to skin
Mrs. Howell alive.
Ginger definitely would have out-cat-fought Mary Ann for Thurston’s
withered affections, so that leaves the Skipper, Gilligan and the Professor
for Mary Ann to choose from.
Now, everybody knew the Professor was gay, so he’s out of the running straight
away. No pun intended there. He was also sweet on the Skipper, and it probably
would have been in Mary Ann’s best interests to avoid going toe-to-toe with the
one mug on the island who knew how to make plastic explosives out of
coconut mash. And it’s not like the Skipper was anywhere near worth it either,
he’s so goddamned fat the last Willie he saw was Gilligan. And with a name
like his, she probably wasn’t exactly chomping at the metaphorical bit to
become Mary Ann Grumby, or even Mary Ann Skipper, depending on whether or not
it was a formal occasion. That leaves Gilligan,
who’s a total nimrod but at least she could crush his spirit and mold him
into a decent lapdog-style husband who would kiss her ass for thirty years
and take her to the opera.
So that leaves us with everyone paired off pretty nicely: Gilligan and Mary
Ann, the Professor and the Skipper, Mr. Howell and Ginger, and Mrs. Howell
face-down in the lagoon. Who wants to go back to city living when they’re
living the sweet life island-style? Not this cast-away. So the only thing
that makes sense in the context of the show, with everyone wanting to leave
so badly and all, is that Ginger and Mary Ann
must have been big-time fuzzbumpers. I’m talking about skinny-dipping in
the lagoon, secret rendezvous by the cave, and lots and lots of coconut
milk being poured over naked bodies. I can just picture it now…
Nope, still picturing it. Come back in five minutes.
Now I’m sure some sensitive types will take offense at my theory, calling
it all sorts of bad voodoo. But I’m just telling it like it is, or rather
like it must have been. I challenge any of those politically-correct drones
out there to present a competing theory that makes as much sense. I mean,
what the hell do I know about how a woman's mind works? Maybe they were
waiting for the Harlem Globetrotters. Bricks out.
Milestones
the commune's scratch 'n sniff look at last year's office potluck
Opportunities
Pants a Capitalist
Free Virus Baggies
Take a Kitten, Please
the commune book selections
the commune's Bear in Rearview
the commune's Big Book of Duke
Faces of the commune
the commune 100: Leaders and Revolutionaries
the commune 100: Traitors and Noodledicks
FAQ Shwartz |
Site Map's Somewhere in the Glovebox |
Search In Vain |
Contract Ick
Privacy Police |
Terms of Gary Busey |
Reprints & Persimmons |
Press Eject Now
You're Welcome, Homeless Orphans
The Pilgrims actually came over on three ships: The El Nino, The Fredo and The Challenger, the last of which blew up half-way here.
Nice Try, Fanatical Cowpokers
Given the controversial nature of my views on artificial insemination, you can bet that Omar Bricks gets more than his share of the death threats and bullshit mail around here.
I Only Salute One Flag, Amigos
Consequently, it’s not against the law to burn the Bricks flag, but it will bring swift retaliation against your punk ass.
ROK FINGER'S DESK IS NOT PUBLIC PROPERTY
Where the aliens took me and what they did to Rok Finger’s anus are anyone’s guess, but no other scenario explains the blinding light, lost time, and the clearly disoriented witnesses...
CUIDADO: PISO MOJADO
That’s right, Spanish. And as every bi American knows, that’s Spanish for "Look Out: I Pissed on the Floor".
Why "My Friend Polio?"
You get asked a lot of stupid questions when you write for the commune. Like, "What is the commune?" and "Who the hell are you?" and "Sir, can you empty your pockets please? Don’t cause a scene, sir."
Your Kung Fu is Weak
No dice, no rice, don’t think thrice--the conclusion is made, amigo. Your kung fu is weak.
10-10-SELLOUT
What does Kenny Rogers know about chicken? I want to eat at Domingo Pavoratti's Roasters. That tub looks like he knows his chicken.
Porno Broke My VCR
Just today on the way home I passed the friendly neighborhood porno theater and what did I see on the marquee (I mean, under "A Fistfull of Tits" and "Jug-Jambouree") but the simple words "VCR REPAIR UPSTAIRS". I should have suspected as much.
Nostradamus My Ass
Historical fact proves that Nostradamus was a punk-assed bitch. It's true, look it up yourself.
Burning Down the Bauhaus
That's the last time I trust a pink dolphin reading the New York Times. Huh, like the Times knows shit about shit.