10-10-SELLOUT the commune's Omar Bricks is a licensed breeder of Shetland Ponies
Wednesday, Jul. 21, 1999
I'm thinking about getting into the stand-up comedy business. I don't consider myself
to be all that funny really... well maybe wearing a fruit-covered headdress and some
canastas to the premiere of "Lambada: The Forbidden Dance" was pretty funny, but more
on point I don't have a serious interest in stand-up comedy. But it does seem to be
the lucritive pathway to success as a celebrity endorser of phone company services.
Which is my real dream, when you get down to brass tacks that look like they're gold
until you get down and really look at them close. I want to be the guy on television
who's telling you to press a bunch of numbers on your phone so you'll save big. I don't
care what the numbers are, you can make them up if you want. Go ahead. I'm not claiming
to be an artist here. I just want to tell people what to do.
I'm sure you're asking yourself right now, "Well Omar, if they've already got George
Carlin, what in the world do they need you for?". Good question. It seems to me I'll
have to carve my own niche. Surely there's other phone company services that need
advertising. I think I'll be the guy who tells you that if you pick up the phone and
you don't get a dial tone, press the hang-up switch a bunch of times fast. The next
step is to hit the receiver on the outside of the phone booth. See? I know this stuff.
I watch movies.
I think I can make a career out of this, maybe even spin it off into a sitcom. Like what
about those times you pick up the phone and there's somebody already on the line, WHEN
IT NEVER EVEN RANG? Isn't that freaky? How do they do that? I think we could do a whole
season on that. I'm thinking about having Don Ameche as my sidekick. I've always thought
he was serious sidekick material.
Besides, the industry has already done too many adds on calling collect. It's tired, so
formula. The people want something fresh. I think we could go high-tech... like a series
of spots on phone taps. They're more common than you think. Sometimes I'm talking on
the phone and I'll hear it in the backgroud, just this clicking sound. Click click.
Who's tapping my phone? I'm not saying I'm any kind of expert on phone taps here, but
if they were going to make a sound, I think that would be it. Click click. Tap tap.
Y'know? We could do an animated spot with Barney Rubble as my straight man. Like in
those old commercials you used to see. "BARNEY! You wiretapped my phone!". And then
I could chase him around in a costume or something. I think that would make people
want to call more long distance.
That gets me to thinking about commercials in general. Why is it that you never see
the people you trust endorsing products? When's the last time Chris Rock called anybody
collect? I don't think so. We need more credible sources, the people want to know. Like
what does President Clinton take when he gets Herpies Symplex B? That's a hell of an
endorsement. What does Kenny Rogers know about chicken? I want to eat at Domingo
Pavoratti's Roasters. That tub looks like he knows his chicken. Jerry Seinfeld for
American Express? What does he care if it has a high annual rate? He's probably just
tired of getting papercuts from handling so much cash. Put Kato Kaelin up there on the
screen. Put his hide-a-bed sleepin' mug on an American Express card and I'll think about
it.
Until next time, I'm Omar Bricks.
Milestones
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the commune book selections
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the commune 100: Leaders and Revolutionaries
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Press Eject Now
Porno Broke My VCR
Just today on the way home I passed the friendly neighborhood porno theater and what did I see on the marquee (I mean, under "A Fistfull of Tits" and "Jug-Jambouree") but the simple words "VCR REPAIR UPSTAIRS". I should have suspected as much.
Nostradamus My Ass
Historical fact proves that Nostradamus was a punk-assed bitch. It's true, look it up yourself.
Burning Down the Bauhaus
That's the last time I trust a pink dolphin reading the New York Times. Huh, like the Times knows shit about shit.