CUIDADO: PISO MOJADO the commune's Omar Bricks addresses multiculturalism and personal responsibility in America today
Tuesday, Dec. 05, 2000
On a recent trip to the little man’s room I came across a sign on the floor.
It featured a stick man breakdancing on a yellow background above text which
read as follows: “Cuidado: Piso Mojado”. That’s right, Spanish. And as every
bi American knows, that’s Spanish for “Look Out: I Pissed on the Floor”. And
that got me thinking, and I thought this: “Goddammit, how come everything’s
got to be in Spanish?” Quickly after that my thought changed to “Wait a minute,
who’s pissing on the floor?” but then after a moment of confusion it switched
back to the Spanish thing. And I think I may be on to something here.
Since when do we as Ameyhicans have to bow to the whims of the
Spanish-speaking minority? Personally I’m tired of it, and I think it’s time
I made a stand. The next time I pull up to the Taco Bell drive thru, you won’t
hear me ordering a “Burrito Supreme, Nachos and a Chalupacabra”, I’m going to
proudly demand a “Big-Assed Bean Sheath, Some Chips with Shit on Them, and One
of Them Scary Fuckers From the X-Files”. That’s my right as an American. And
they’d better not underfold it so the bottom blows out on my bean-sheath,
either.
I was feeling rather proud of this resolution as I tried to decipher a
pornographic limerick scratched into the bathroom stall (Anybody who knows the
one about Swedes and weenies, email me at
deeznuts@thecommune.com), when
suddenly my thoughts began to change again. Once more, they drifted to the
Cuidado sign, like closeted gays to a Ricky Martin concert. And as I pondered
the sign’s message, it occurred to me that this little sign says a lot about
America today. How many times in a day does someone, in effect, tell you to
Look Out, because they just pissed on your floor? Today I counted 87.
Now keep in mind, gentle reader, that I’m not talking about literal
pissing here. And that non-literal pissing wasn’t necessarily done on your
literal floor, either. I’m talking about the constant letdowns of everyday
life, the times when those who we count on fail us miserably and just shrug
it off because it’s become expected. Every time the Concorde slams into a baby
farm outside of Paris or that kid at Wendy’s gives you Iced Tea when you
specifically asked for Lowenbrau, it’s Cuidado: Piso Mojado. Any time a cop
pulls you over because he thought you were black and makes you late to the six
o’clock showing of “Charlie’s Angels”, Cuidado: Piso Mojado. Whether it’s an
alligator getting loose at the zoo and eating a clown or the Democrats barfing
up Dukakis as their candidate in '88, it’s all Cuidado: Piso Mojado.
Well I’m here to tell you one thing: that Omar Bricks’ floor was not made
for pissing. You can piss your own floor all the live-long day, and you won’t
see me trying to stop you. I believe it’s even covered under the religious
practices protection laws in some Southwestern states. But my floor is a strict
no-pissing zone, and anyone who forgets that is liable to get a mop-handle up
his ass with very little warning. Figuratively speaking, of course.
I implore you to take a similar stand. The next time you’re on hold waiting
to talk to a customer service representative, and have just listened to 32
straight minutes of Christmas carols on the classical guitar, only to have the
system disconnect you just as you reach the head of the phone queue, don’t just
shrug and head for the mop. Demand accountability. Maybe you should send that
company a package of unstable C4 blanketed in roofing nails. Will that get you
more prompt service on the customer support line? Probably not, since the
service reps will most likely have been reduced to hamburger and strewn over
a quarter-mile of real estate immediately following the explosion. But someone,
somewhere will take notice. Maybe the next pizza you order won’t come in the
box upside-down. Maybe those daycare kids will stop chanting “Stinky Butt!
Stinky Butt!” when you walk by. Or maybe the mailman will stop crumpling your
mail into a ball before he stuffs it into your mailbox. You’ll never know until
you try.
Milestones
the commune's scratch 'n sniff look at last year's office potluck
Opportunities
Pants a Capitalist
Free Virus Baggies
Take a Kitten, Please
the commune book selections
the commune's Bear in Rearview
the commune's Big Book of Duke
Faces of the commune
the commune 100: Leaders and Revolutionaries
the commune 100: Traitors and Noodledicks
FAQ Shwartz |
Site Map's Somewhere in the Glovebox |
Search In Vain |
Contract Ick
Privacy Police |
Terms of Gary Busey |
Reprints & Persimmons |
Press Eject Now
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