Your Kung Fu is Weak the commune's Omar Bricks explores his New Jersey heritage and the martial arts legacy of his elders
Monday, Apr. 3, 2000
No dice, no rice, don’t think thrice—the conclusion is made, amigo. Your kung fu is
weak.
I hate to put the tip on the table before the entre is served, but I gots to clear the
air. I’m tired of every time I want to head out to the pub or county fair or some
backroom cockfight somewhere every joker and their mother wants to try their kung fu
against mine. You think that’s an exaggeration? I ain’t shitting you to no degree,
man, a lot of fucking son-mother team-ups out there, a surprising amount. And they all
talk trash about the kung fu of Omar Bricks. Until I put their sorry asses on the
straight and narrow. They find out quick (kick?) enough my kung fu is no fucking
joke.
Some people have stolen kung fu from ancient masters and stuff, but I assure you,
commune buddies, I’ve done no such thing. It took me many years to develop my own kung
fu independent of all these other styles, and let me tell you the real bitch is that
most all of the animals are taken—that shit’s fucked up. I tried one called "Anaconda"
for a while, and it sounded awesome, but since a snake has no arms or legs I got my
cheeks kicked many a time trying to fight with my head, tongue, and ass; I decided to
pack away the Anaconda kung fu for something else.
My next big venture was Hungry Brando kung fu, but I could never gain enough poundage
to make it work well, although the theory is entirely feasible. Any fat guys out there
want to trounce your opponent, give me a ring sometime, I’ll give you the lowdown.
After that it was a one third-rate kung fu after another: Has-Been kung fu, Alley Cat
kung fu, Wild Tree kung fu, Ricky Martin kung fu (the same as Has-Been kung fu,
really, but just a few steps away), and Crunchberry kung fu. All were decent
attempts—let’s see you create a deadly form of martial arts from scratch! But then
I stumbled upon the killer kung fu: Drunken In-Law kung fu.
Key points in Drunken In-Law kung fu, as designed and copyrighted by Omar Bricks, you
thieving prick dogs, are: Disable your opponent with unexpected passes at his
spouse/girlfriend/love interest, barring that, a family pet or mom will do. Trip
toward them and strike with unexpected strength. Your lack of balance is your friend
as you can stand as quickly as you can fall. Give him a supreme tongue-lashing when
he isn’t expecting it. Never underestimate the value of pretending you’ve passed out,
only to recover and attack them from behind. Create an uncomfortable fighting
environment with uncalled for verbal attacks and vulgarity. Strike with wide swings,
as if possessing blurred vision multiplying your enemies by two. Grilling utensils can
be incorporated for full effects.
Hopefully this will be good for a cease and decist to all the assholes out there who
wish to challenge the Drunken In-Law kung fu of Omar Bricks. Your kung fu is weak.
Milestones
the commune's scratch 'n sniff look at last year's office potluck
Opportunities
Pants a Capitalist
Free Virus Baggies
Take a Kitten, Please
the commune book selections
the commune's Bear in Rearview
the commune's Big Book of Duke
Faces of the commune
the commune 100: Leaders and Revolutionaries
the commune 100: Traitors and Noodledicks
FAQ Shwartz |
Site Map's Somewhere in the Glovebox |
Search In Vain |
Contract Ick
Privacy Police |
Terms of Gary Busey |
Reprints & Persimmons |
Press Eject Now
10-10-SELLOUT
What does Kenny Rogers know about chicken? I want to eat at Domingo Pavoratti's Roasters. That tub looks like he knows his chicken.
Porno Broke My VCR
Just today on the way home I passed the friendly neighborhood porno theater and what did I see on the marquee (I mean, under "A Fistfull of Tits" and "Jug-Jambouree") but the simple words "VCR REPAIR UPSTAIRS". I should have suspected as much.
Nostradamus My Ass
Historical fact proves that Nostradamus was a punk-assed bitch. It's true, look it up yourself.
Burning Down the Bauhaus
That's the last time I trust a pink dolphin reading the New York Times. Huh, like the Times knows shit about shit.