Strip Club Flag Wars National pride measured in cheap Taiwanese flags. BYSTIGMATA SPENT San Francisco, CA
RALF TURKEL for the commune
Our national pride will smother you all
In the days since the National Tragedy of September 11, when real estate prices
in lower Manhattan took a tumble, every business and home in the U.S. has been
displaying the American flag in an effort to show their patriotism and shame
anyone without a flag into running to their local Wal-Mart or Raley's in hopes
of finding some cheap Taiwanese facsimile of the Stars and Stripes. Here in San
Francisco, the Flag Wars have erupted between two competing strip clubs within
a block of each other, and the fighting promises to get nasty as the weeks wear
on.
At the Mitchell Brothers O'Farrell Theater, three full-size flags have
been flying proudly above the marquee, which announces the latest show as "Red,
White and Nude." We spoke with owner Jim Mitchell, who said "Actually, it's
more correctly known as the Mitchell BROTHER Theater these days, ever since I
shot ol' Artie back in the early '90s and spent a few years in the joint for
it. But anyway… yeah, we figured the right thing to do was to fly the flag in
honor of all those potential lap-dance patrons that will now never know the
pleasure of having a fine peroxided blonde with silicone hooters sit down and
try to cajole twenty-dollar bills out of them for a minimum of sexual contact.
It seemed like the least we could do, given the circumstances."
To that end, Mitchell installed two flagpoles on either side of the existing
one above the marquee, and is now flying the flag in triplicate. "We've got
three," he pointed out, standing on the sidewalk in front of the theater, where
two of his surgically-enhanced bimbos and a male bouncer were taking a
cigarette break. "That club down on Larkin," he added, referring to the New
Century Theater, "only has two."
At the New Century, no one would comment, except to say that they were "just
as goddamned patriotic as that bastard Jim Mitchell, who can come down here
and kiss my red, white and blue ass." This reporter did note, however, that
there were only two American flags flying above their marquee, which advertised
"Girl on Girl Shows" and "Bachelor Parties Welcome." It also appeared that one
of the dancers at the New Century was wearing a G-string with a stars and
stripes motif, but it was extremely dark, so it could have been something
else.
Stigmata Spent is a 6'4" pre-op transsexual with linebacker thighs and
processed hair who still enjoys a good lap-dance every now and again. Her
best friend in the world is Ladyboy Smacky, who, I swear, looks just like
Jayne Mansfield on crack, honey.
Milestones
the commune's scratch 'n sniff look at last year's office potluck
Opportunities
Pants a Capitalist
Free Virus Baggies
Take a Kitten, Please
the commune book selections
the commune's Bear in Rearview
the commune's Big Book of Duke
Faces of the commune
the commune 100: Leaders and Revolutionaries
the commune 100: Traitors and Noodledicks
FAQ Shwartz |
Site Map's Somewhere in the Glovebox |
Search In Vain |
Contract Ick
Privacy Police |
Terms of Gary Busey |
Reprints & Persimmons |
Press Eject Now
commune News Chastised for Use of Word 'Dick'
A recent story run by the the commune News about the arrest of comedian Andy
Dick has inspired a maelstrom of reader mail and telephone calls.