"I find on occasion, that it's best to take a moment and enjoy the finer things in life... such as rubbing your face against pasta in a meat locker..."

"...and remember, a mystery is never closed, to a foamy ham... goodnight trolls."

"...and using this giant model, we will show you at home how to make S'Mores!"

"Ladle?" "Why thank you, Mister Roboto."

Suddenly, Luke Skywalker lops off Brandis's head with his lightsabre.

"No fair! She always gets all the insulin!" "She's diabetic you little punk!" "Yeah!? AND!?"

"As we can see boy, the Bible clearly states that we must bow down before Dick Van Patten for he is the messiah." "That doesn't sound-" "Hush! Insolence!"

"I tell ya, this Dave Thomas really goes all out when it's his daughter's birthday."

Commercial whale-transport technology has found new uses in the private sector, including fishing dead junkies out of your pool.

"So... care to join me for dinner?" "Pig!" "How about a stroll by the docks..." "Worm!" "Can I just stare luridly at your breasts?" "Scumbag!" "Staring it is!"

As Ted Turner launches The Brandis Channel, nation-wide suicides increase drastically.

"Look! If you guys can't take turns playing with the frozen ribeyes then NOBODY GETS TO PLAY WITH THEM AT ALL!"

"She's so beautiful! But how do you break the ice with a Circus Geek?"

Imagine a world where Jonathan Brandis wears a dress and kicks some butt... Welcome to Paradox: The Neverending Story

Brandis wanted to see if he COULD make horizontal icicles, that he didn't stop to think if he SHOULD. Or why?

Hey!! I'm pointing! Why isn't the "click" working? Damn Bill Gates

Windows 95 Needlepoint kit.

The Unabombers Web site

Order a "fuck you" from Hippie and be amazed at the quick response time.

Next on A&E: "Mating Rituals of the North American Afro."

"I really enjoy your company Marge. You are a gr-- excuse me, my nipples are calling."

Damn, that is really expensive lettering!

"And Aslan taught me that self-sacrifice is vital to being a good person." "He taught me to eat raw meat." "That's nice sweetie."

While his horse counted to a hundred, Jeb looked for a good hiding place...

"Looks like a good harvest this year." "Yep." "Good load of calves come in." "Yep." "Billowing black cloud of death on the horizon." "Yep."

It looks like a tender moment at first, but if you look closely you'll see she's digging around in her purse!

"Hi... I'm Ronald Reagen and I'm the NWA." "NRA!" "But I have attitude!" "Ron!" "I wet 'em!"

:Damn, that lion got away. Well, I gotta shoot something... come here, Earl. Oh, don't be such a baby, I'll just wing you...:

"Care for some filet of coat?"

"It's good news! It says I'm pregnant!" Yet another clever ruse that failed to save their necks.

"Bachelor number three... ever dropped the soap?" "Well, by accident I might so-" "Shut up!"

"Look! Two rocks don't beat one paper!" "Maybe so but two fists can beat one curmudeony old fart!" "Point taken."

Chad took up welding just so he could change the pattern on his cell floor at night.