Hamas Leader Demands One True Ring
Injured Yassin outlines radical new Mideast peace plan
SNAPPER McGEE
Sheikh Ahmed Yassin waits in line with other costumed fans for the 2001 premiere of LoTR: The Fellowship of the Ring
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Sheikh Ahmed Yassin, founder of the Islamic militant movement Hamas, came out of hiding today to reject calls for a cease-fire with Israel. Yassin instead issued an impassioned demand that he be given the “Ring of Power,” with which the Muslim cleric would rule the hearts of men and bring about Mideast peace through the total annihilation of all who would oppose him.
The wheelchair-bound militant leader spoke at a Gaza City mosque, flanked by Hamas bodyguards while making his first public appearance since nearly being killed earlier this week during Israeli air strikes.
“The time for playing games has ended,” announced Yassin, gesturing to his rickety wheelchair with a resigned shrug.
“Israel can take my legs, but we will take the legs of their country! And eat them, like they were legs of chickens. Delicious Israeli chicken legs!” shouted Yassin, rubbing his tummy in a satisfied gesture. The largely Muslim crowd present cheered to show their support for chicken.
“And we will eat their wings and nuggets when we are done feasting on the drumsticks of oppression!” Yassin continued, making a face described by several onlookers as “kinda goofy-crazy.”
Hamas has refused to give up its arms and join the government of incoming Palestinian prime minister Ahmed Qorei, citing the August 22nd assassination of Hamas co-founder Ismail Abu Shanab as the latest unpardonable gaffe in Israeli-Hamas relations.
“In spite of the truce, the Israeli enemy did not stop its aggression, its massacres and its destructions for one moment after we bombed that bus full of children,” added Yassin, refreshingly devoid of irony.
“Israel continues their aggressions and the United States has declared war on Islam,” Yassin explained, referring to U.S. President Bush’s recent “Let’s Go to War with Islam” speech. “But Islam will be victorious, because it is stronger than Bush and his country. Or at least it will be once I have the One True Ring and take my place as the King of All Men. The infidels will scatter like cockroaches because I will be a huge Muslim man and they will be small like cockroaches, and I will be stomping on them. Look out.”
Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat expressed regret that discussions with Hamas leaders had taken this unfortunate turn into Lord of the Rings-themed dementia, greatly complicating hopes for stability and a lasting peace in the region.
Meanwhile, a group of 27 Israeli air force reserve pilots signed a petition refusing to carry out air strikes against Palestinian targets, citing apprehension about being on the wrong side when Yassin “gets that ring and starts kicking wholesale ass like an unstoppable 9-foot-tall voodoo zealot.”
the commune news once made our own play for the Ring of Power, but were foiled when the ring-bearer we intercepted turned out to be an adorable tot gone missing from a local wedding. Still waiting for him to be claimed, by the way. Long-dead reporter Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown has finally found a useful niche at the commune, serving as the only reporter on staff who can find the Middle East on a map and is still willing to travel there. Refreshingly, he also has no issue with the legroom in coach.
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