Father of H-bomb Dead at 95
Edward Teller a foul-mouthed pioneer
AP
Teller, of the huge fucking eyebrows, says “goodbye,” jailhouse-visit style
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Noted American physicist Edward Teller, known as the “father of the H-bomb” and the “swearingest man alive,” died Tuesday of acute pulmonary pneumonia. He was 95 fucking years old.
“That guy said ‘Hell’ more than any man alive,” remembered son Arthur Teller. “And we’ll miss him.”
Outspoken and influential in matters of national defense, Teller enjoyed a long career in pushing for bigger and badder ways to blow the United States’ enemies into a mist of lukewarm spittle. In 1939, Teller encouraged Albert Einstein to inform President Roosevelt of the “awesome fucking power” of nuclear fission. Teller thought the splitting of an atom’s nucleus could be tapped to create a weapon that would “make our dickless enemies wish they’d been born dead.”
Soon after the atom bomb was envisioned, it became clear that nuclear fusion, not fission, was a quicker path to realizing Teller’s vision of a “real fucking ass-wiping, holy shit tit-ripping weapon of ball-waxing mass destruction.” Teller quickly took to the idea.
“Yeah… fuck yeah! We’ll blow their asses out through their teeth, the commie fuckers!” Teller enthused.
Teller’s enthusiasm and foul-mouthed pursuit of such a bomb – he called it the “Motherfucker” – won him the title “father of the H-bomb,” a term he thought was “fucking stupid.” The first one-megaton hydrogen bomb was exploded in 1952, blowing the living shit out of a stretch of desert in northern Nevada.
“Gotcha, cocksuckers!” Teller was heard to scream in a westerly direction when reached with word of the successful test.
According to family sources, Teller died in Stanford, California last Tuesday, in a “shitty little room” that “smelled like horse piss,” tended by “frigid dyke nurses” intent on stealing his “goddamned meds” and devouring his “motherloving soul.”
“Hell’s bells, I don’t know what the hell they were thinking when they invaded that fuckin’ hellhole,” were Teller’s last words, dropping his trademark H-bomb several times in reference to the Vietnam War. “We’re gonna kick the runny shit out of those brown bastards like it was a fuckin’ sport, Jack.”
Teller’s dark worldview was thought by some to be caused by his experiences with the communist revolution in his native Hungary in 1919, in concert with the rise of Nazism in his adopted home of Germany in the 1930’s.
“Nazis? Fuckin’ pricks,” Teller once said of the Nazis, fucking pricks. Biographers have marveled at Teller’s apparent knack for living through the shitty side of history, though many who knew him argue that he would have turned out the same either way.
In one of his last recorded interviews in 2001, Teller seemed to lend support to President George W. Bush’s plans to once again pursue the “Star Wars” Strategic Defense Initiative, an improbable missile defense system of space-based lasers, when he responded to the reporter’s question with an affirmative “Goddamn!” But those close to Teller stress that this was also the same way the late scientist answered the phone, so that conclusion might have been premature.
the commune news is all for peace through mutually-assured destruction, but it does make for a boring-assed game of Risk, we have to say. Boner Cunningham is just a fucking lousy reporter, and might we stress we wrote that even before seeing the swearing-based theme of this story.
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