Bin Laden Video Just a Greatest Hits Compilation
Critics slam latest uninspired release
AL-JOLSENZEERA
The recently released bin Laden video only contained familiar footage, including bin Laden’s trademark “Obi-Wan Pimp Walk”.
|  |
An Al-Qaeda video airing on Al-Jazeera Wednesday not only failed to impress virtually everyone, it also failed to thank President George W. Bush for all his subversive efforts to help rebuild the terrorist organization.
The tape, slammed by critics as a “greatest hits collection of the usual dreck,” featured an undated cameo by terrorist favorite Osama bin Laden and a lot of voicing over by Al-Qaeda’s number two shit Ayman al-Zawahri. The video exhibited a friendlier sort of Al-Qaeda, with no direct threats to the U.S. “infidels” but promising that current battles were only the beginning and “the true epic has not begun,” proving to all that the tape was at least recent enough to cop from the new Matrix sequel.
The only footage of Osama bin Laden showed the Al-Qaeda figurehead appearing older, but could not be pegged for a date. The world’s number one prick was shown frolicking around with henchman al-Zawahri along the mountainside like a homosexual Captain and Tennille.
Though reference was made to the Iraq war, it may have been to one of several Iraq wars in which “agents of America” invaded the country. Neither was thanks given to American president George Bush for raising Al-Qaeda popularity to unimagined heights in Iraq by bombing that country into a primitive agricultural state. The death of thousands of Iraqis and the devastation of the country’s infrastructure have done more to raise recruitment for the terrorist group than any post- or pre-Sept. 11 attacks.
Some, like this reporter, would suggest that Al-Qaeda and the Bush presidency have been mutually beneficial to each other, especially given the intention by bin Laden to invoke a harsh U.S. response to help the Arab world rally behind him. But the increasing power of terrorism hasn’t just been beneficial to bin Laden and associates, but also to the administration, which still rates high approval numbers when it comes to defense and being tough on terrorism.
When questioned on the veracity of the recent bin Laden video, the president asked for a definition of veracity. Then, gesturing toward the footage of bin Laden and al-Zawahri, Bush stated, “The beard looks real to me.”
“Having released tons of audio recordings in the years since 2001, Osama bin Laden risks market saturation,” said VH-1 video producer Deanne Holcomb, who was contacted in an effort to fill out the story. “That may have been a consideration in only appearing as a cameo in this recent release by al-Zawahri. Personally, I would have gone in another direction, maybe Missy Elliot, but bin Laden is really popular with the Al-Jazeera demographics. Beyoncé maybe. Beyoncé is huge right now. But as I was saying, having such a small part for bin Laden does raise questions about the Al-Qaeda leader, such as if he’s out of practice, or gotten fat. He could be dead, I suppose, there were a lot of bombs dropped in attempts to kill him. Kid Rock! Now that might have really sold it.”
President Bush fired back in a speech to the ten American people watching the Sept. 7 televised address. Though failing to mention the weapons of mass destruction supposedly hoarded by Saddam Hussein or a projected date for troops to return from Iraq, the president did assure everyone that terrorism was still alive and thriving and nobody can let their guard down for ten seconds. And by the way, they need $87 billion more dollars, if you can spare it.
the commune news, now with more cushion for the pushin’. Raoul Dunkin is a reporter of some kind on our staff and a major influence on the invention of birth control.
Americans Kind of Disappointed Al-Qaeda Hasn’t Struck Again
Second anniversary of 9/11 finds nation vaguely unsatisfied
Arafat Accepts Blaine Challenge
Palestinian to endure survival test, piss-off Israel
Father of H-bomb Dead at 95
Edward Teller a foul-mouthed pioneer
Box-Traveling Moron Somehow News
Shipping clerk who mailed self apparently relevant to someone
Judge Orders South Removed from Union
Entire U.S. South violates separation of church and state
Power Outage Tied to Cheney Personal Excesses
VP eating ohms like some kind of ohm-eating machine
M-TV Accidentally Honors 9/11 Hijackers
Best New Artist actually radical Islamic leader
Are You Shot? an Iraqi Reality Hit
ABC scores with controversial Middle East reality show
Bad Boy Congressman
Can’t Drive 55
South Dakota Representative hell on wheels, says local fuzz