Arafat Accepts
Blaine Challenge
Palestinian to endure survival test, piss-off Israel
WHIT PISTOL
On his way back into crawl space to begin test of will, Arafat leaves supporters with one last taste of his world-famous Nixon impression.
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On Friday afternoon Yassir Arafat promised to go without food for 50 days, and resist ousting by Israeli forces. The pledge follows a statement by Israel that they will remove Arafat, calling him an “impediment to peace,” and a challenge by street magician David Blaine who called Arafat, “all dick and no balls.”
The Blaine taunt is a latest in an underreported rivalry between the Palestinian leader and the American illusionist. After 2001 show of endurance in which Blaine remained encased in a block of ice for days, Arafat reputedly called Blaine a “big fakecicle.” Blaine angrily invited Arafat to out-do his endurance test, and the Palestinian leader responded by sealing himself in his compound in the West Bank under Israeli assault and hasn’t been outside but briefly since for almost two years. A courier allegedly carried a hand-scrawled note from Arafat to Blaine, reading, “How you like them apples?”
Them apples Blaine did not like apparently, as he began his most recent stunt Sept. 6, staying in a suspended see-through box hanging over London and going without food for 44 days. When Blaine’s safety monitors were asked why 44 days specifically, they told reporters it was the scientifically-calculated limit a man could survive before his last few fans lost complete interest.
Not to be outdone, Arafat again pressed forward with some help for old nemesis Israel, promising to lock himself up in a tiny crawlspace and going without food for a full 50 days. Skeptics and people who don’t like him say it is madness to attempt to live without food, surviving only on water and whatever’s left in his beard for that long.
Unlike Blaine, Arafat was not a prick about granting interviews to reporters. When questioned about the troubles his organization and himself are facing from Israel, Arafat responded: “It is a very small crawlspace. Very tiny and cramped. I can barely move in there, and only meditation and praying to Allah can take my mind of the severe discomfort. Since I have only started, it is not so bad right now. But within a few days I will be in for a real hurtin’, boys.”
Arafat invites fans to check in on him at his website www.yassirthatsmybaby.com, while Blaine is invited to sniff his hairy backside. A webcam was installed in the crawlspace so fans can make sure Arafat is not pulling a fast one and sneaking out on the side for a bite of McDonald’s.
Professor Ebb Wright, from Oxford’s Department of Middle Eastern Politics and Magic, explains the difficulties ahead for the Palestinian.
“It is a quite difficult and politically deft maneuver at the same time,” said Wright, digging the lint from his navel and making it into a little man. “On the one hand, it will be quite a feat to survive so long on a minimal of food, to maintain one’s mind and body with so little fuel. On the other hand, it’s politically brilliant because Arafat can rally the support of the rest of the world and still take calls of support. However, if one is busy building a coalition to prevent military incursion, it distracts from the various Eastern trances Arafat could be using to release his mind from his body.”
Intrigued, this reporter accepted an invitation to try repeating Arafat’s stunt in a crawlspace in the professor’s office. Though he was kind enough to transcribe the preceding article, he was unable to help this reporter free himself again.
the commune news has considered locking ourselves in our offices to survive on only what’s presently here, but decided we’d save it for the inevitable FBI standoff. Ivan Nacutchacokov is the commune’s foreign correspondent and it’s a rarity he’s able to get two articles turned in without requiring hospitalization.
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