Another thing is Santa Claus. Sure, we don’t call him by the same name everywhere, but everyone believes in some version of Santa Claus, right? Which is why I’m writing to you. Can you tell me more about all the various versions of Santa Claus out there? It sounds exciting! Thanks!
Nat McCauley
Whitewash, Washington
It is so typical of Clausians to assume everybody everywhere believes in Santa Claus and the power of his gift-giving. If you are a child, we cannot blame you, but it’s time you knew that Santa Claus is only one theory of how the gifts get under the tree, and not even the oldest.
In some African cultures, popular theory is that Black Monday, a large death-dealing African tribesman with a sackful of gifts, sneaks in through the chimney (or under the door, if your home doesn’t have a chimney) in the night, unsheathes a machete and deals death to the wicked white families. Their possessions are reclaimed and distributed to the African people, and that’s how the gifts get under the tree.
In Japan, “Santa” is actually a 50-foot robot that transforms into a walkman and leaves itself under the tree. Fortunately, once one robot has completed its mission, other robots construct themselves for delivery to other children around the world.
As for ourselves, sometimes we’re Santagnostics and don’t know what we believe. But usually we rely on the idea that “Santa Claus,” as you call him, is just pure energy that divides itself among us all, and that by closing our eyes and collectively picturing sugar plums dancing and other Christmas things, we can generate gifts under the tree without buying them. This hasn’t happened yet, but it’s usually from a lack of good will and Christmas cheer and therefore does not constitute a lack of existence of this energy.
Hope this has illuminated the subject and you’re no longer tied to the ridiculous idea of a man coming down your chimney to empty his sack rather than fill it. Merry whatever!
Dear Nat:
Judging by the fact your letter’s written in crayon you’re either a child or mentally handicapped, or just a full-grown man who makes very poor shopping choices. Either way, we think it best not to feed your delusions about “Santa Claus.”
the commune
Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible for the lump of coal in your stocking. Perhaps you should have thought about that before sending us all those forwarded e-mails asking us to add our names to the bottom.
Volume 31
You aren’t getting free information from us, Al-Shabib. You made two mistakes in your otherwise-brilliant plan. For one, you referred to George W. Bush as the president without quotation marks—you’re either a Republican or a terrorist, and either way we don’t trust you.
Volume 30
We here at the commune are very sorry to hear that your life has become interesting in a way that makes you mildly uncomfortable.
Volume 29
Thanks for the word, dude. Red Bagel appreciates your vote and if he voted, we’re sure he voted for you, too.
Volume 28
Thank you for your kind letter. Knowing we have touched a life so dearly is the fuel that keeps us going here at the commune, like what propane is for a gas-huffing redneck.