Dear commune:

My name is Kent and I am 8 years old. I am doing a biography on President George W. Bush and I would like to know all about him. Please tell me everything about him, like where was he born, how did he become president, and what does the president do?

I think the commune is a great news website.


Kent Birkell
Ohgett, Utah


Dear “Kent”:

Nice try, Al Qaeda! Sounds like a good plan right off the bat, doesn’t it? Write to some unsuspecting, poorly-run news organization, like the commune, and pretend to be a grade-schooler so you can get all the elusive secret information about the leader of the free world. Well, suck on it instead, dickless!

You aren’t getting free information from us, Al-Shabib. You made two mistakes in your otherwise-brilliant plan. For one, you referred to George W. Bush as the president without quotation marks—you’re either a Republican or a terrorist, and either way we don’t trust you. And second, the commune—a great news website? You must not be from this country.

We hope your little dirty bomb or whatever goes off during construction and leaves you a dirty smear, terrorist asshole.

In the off chance you are a real 8-year-old who just doesn’t know enough about the “president” or the commune’s “news” department, we offer sincere apologies. Terrorist asshole.


the commune


Editor's Note: the commune news is not responsible for the wind beneath your wings, so quit blaming us for it, maybe it was the dog.

Volume 30
We here at the commune are very sorry to hear that your life has become interesting in a way that makes you mildly uncomfortable.

Volume 29
Thanks for the word, dude. Red Bagel appreciates your vote and if he voted, we’re sure he voted for you, too.

Volume 28
Thank you for your kind letter. Knowing we have touched a life so dearly is the fuel that keeps us going here at the commune, like what propane is for a gas-huffing redneck.