ANSEL EVANS There’s just no way to wear one of those things without looking like an asshole.

“Well, those boys is some messy eaters, so we figured we’d help ‘em out so they can keep their shirts clean,” chuckled Senator Thad Cochran from Tennessee.

“The American people have spoken, or more importantly they scribbled in some little bubbles with a pencil, and they’ve sent a clear mandate about what they want to see in the next two years. Few can deny that Americans are clamoring to see Democrat Representatives with embarrassing words like ‘Dickless’ and ‘Miss Thang’ sunburned onto their chests while they are chased by bears on rollerskates. The American people suffered through a long ballot, they had to fill in a lot of pointless bubbles for judges and people they’d never heard of just to make the democracy machine work, and now we owe it to them to hold up our end of the bargain. Let me be the first to wield the spankin’ paddle in the name of the American Way,” announced Sen. Pat Roberts of Kansas with a gleam in his eye.

When asked by a visibly concerned President Bush when Congress would find time to approve military action in Iraq, Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott looked confused for a moment before replying.

“Ira-? Oh, right, right. Don’t worry yourself, Dub. There’ll be plenty of time for that after we pass this hilarious bill Orrin’s been working on. Get this, we’re going to have all of the… Jesus, excuse me, it still cracks me up, we’re gonna have all the Democrats carrying around these dog bowls with their names printed on them, to drink out of, you know. And whenever Moynihan goes off on one of his tangents, you know, like he does, I’m going to stand up and do the little pinky-finger thing, you know what I’m talking about. And I say ‘Could someone please throw the Senator a frickin’ bone here?’ Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that we’re going to keep a few cases of dog biscuits on hand for everybody to throw at Moynihan when I say that. Shit, let me start over. This is going to be great.”

Lott was cut off by Rep. Elect Saxby Chambliss of Georgia, who was doing an impression of a Democrat Congressman in the upcoming 2003 session.

“I’m a little teapot, short and stout, here is my handle and here is my spout! I object!”

The gathered Congressmen erupted into laughter and applause, which rose another notch when Sen. Elect Jim Talent of Missouri shot milk out of his nose.

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