WHIT PISTOL An unnamed Florida election official examines the machine that killed Bill McBride for error. The machine reportedly had no problem registering the late McBride's vote.

Hot on the heels of Thursday’s admission that 100,000 votes in Broward county went uncounted until Wednesday, it was revealed Friday that Democratic gubernatorial candidate Bill McBride was actually killed by a voting booth.

McBride, a lawyer and political novice who ran unsuccessfully against Governor Jeb Bush, was voting in his home county when a reportedly faulty ballot machine handle swung back and beheaded the hopeful Democrat. It was not revealed if the unlucky son of a bitch was voting for himself or his opponent.

“We would have mentioned it sooner,” said election official Marjoe Ramsey, “but we figured everyone had bad enough news to deal with, what with the Republicans winning everything.”

“And…?” said an older woman standing nearby, possibly Ramsey’s mother.

Ramsey continued, “And we thought we’d get hollered at.”

The dead Democrat fuck-up comes at a particularly bad time for Florida, still the butt of everyone’s jokes after being the focus of the 2000 catastrophe that left George W. Bush the “winner” of that election. Florida’s problems with computer-based ballots early this year proved voting errors were still possible, and the loss of 100,000 uncounted votes in Broward county was yet another screw-up that resulted in somebody’s ass getting fired and leaving Florida unreliable to do in the future what 49 other states (and the District of Columbia) seem to have no problem with.

“Bill McBride was a good Democrat, and probably a good person,” said McBride’s primary opponent and possible drag queen Janet Reno. “It’s a shame this had to happen to him. But if you’re not tough enough for the voting booth, maybe you’re not tough enough for Florida. I can’t believe he ran against me! I could’ve beaten Jeb Bush. ‘Jeb Bush.’ Pussy silver spoon-chewing vote-hiding queerbait.”

Jeb Bush, Florida governor and presidential brother, was told of the voting irregularities Friday and acted dismayed.

“Damn! Sorry to hear about that. I would have won anyway, you know.” Bush shook his head and made a huffing noise. “I suppose now I know why I never got a concession phone call or nothing. Darn shame, folks. My condolences go out to his family, and to anyone else possibly killed voting, not to mention all the Jews and old folks whose votes and stuff got lost or misplaced. I guarantee all of these voting problems in Florida will be taken care of before I become president.”

Plans for funeral arrangements for McBride are yet to be made, but expected to be carried out by next weekend. Currently Florida election officials are still searching polling places for the head. If found, please mail it to the Florida Electoral College or take it directly to Governor Jeb Bush.

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