JUNIOR BACON (INSET: FUTURE WEBCAM) A solemn scene at an impromptu memorial for the late Sen. Wellstone... which could have been erased from history with better time-management skills by Future Bob (inset).

Anger and severe frustration were the mood Monday, October 31—Halloween—2005 when Future Bob checked his notes for things to do and realized he had forgotten to prevent the death of Minnesota Senator Paul Wellstone.

Wellstone, a passionate former college professor and left-leaning Democratic Senator from Minnesota, was killed in October, 2002 in some sort of plane crash that also claimed the lives of members of his family and those aboard the plane. The details are long since lost to the ravages of time to 2005-dwelling Future Bob.

Prevention of the plane crash was on Future Bob’s “to-do” list in the year 2005, though like many other events of that year have been unfortunately forgotten in time to change the future. Future Bob, as you may or may not know in 2002, has extensive bills and has to work two regular jobs in addition to his charitable contributions to the commune.

Had Wellstone’s death been prevented, as per Future Bob’s plans, the key Senate race in Minnesota could have been won by the Democrat and prevented Republican control of Congress and the White House in 2003, which of course led to several dark moments in recent American history such as the revoking of the 4^th Amendment and the passage of the “Sell the Homeless into Slavery Act of 2004.”

With Wellstone’s survival, a better period was possible for those crucial years of American history. Wellstone could have won re-election and unmasked his Senate opponent former St. Paul mayor Norm Coleman as the evil KGB mole Dmitri Raszokoff. As it stands now, history is unchanged and Coleman will not be revealed until the great Soviet Reunion of 2005.

Among other items on Future Bob’s long list of regretfully-unchanged history: The Sept. 11^th attacks, a reign of terror by a trio of snipers, Will Ferrell leaving the cast of Saturday Night Live, the election of George W. “Nightmare” Bush, the release of Britney Spears’ Oops… I Did it Again album, and several type-Os in his last commune article that weren’t corrected.

To Future Bob’s credit, he did prevent the noxious gas attack of December, 2001; the death of celebrity Tom Cruise at the hands of a gay lover; and the publication of Oprah Winfrey’s Sex book.

Future Bob extends his deepest sympathies and sorrows to Wellstone’s family, friends, and constituents, and hopes he can do more in the past (your future) to change history for the better. Please do not bog him down with e-mails questioning why he cannot change the past at any point in time from where he is now, it is a miserable experience trying to explain how the timeline and time travel works and it costs a lot of money to keep his futuristic past-broadcasting ham radio operating.

Once again, Future Bob is called upon to report to Long John Silver’s for his first shift. Until next time, guard the country like the future depends on it—mine does. Future Bob signing off.

the commune news can neither confirm nor deny Future Bob is actually from the future, but if we didn’t believe it we wouldn’t publish it; or perhaps we would, who knows, we’re crazy that way. Future Bob would really appreciate if someone would buy some stock that’s about to go through the roof for him, or failing that, bury a box of money in the future site of his apartment.

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