Taking the Fifth Sweeps the Criminal Nation
In: “It’s my right not to testify.” Out: “I did it.”
BY
IVAN NACUTCHACOKOV Salt Lake City, Utah
LOCHSEN BAGEL
Non-talking alleged criminal about to get a royal talking-to.
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Criminals are usually the last ones to be on the front of a trend-setting movement, being
sheltered away in their underworld subculture or prison. But the hippest of hip are entirely
accused criminals, and most have latched on to a new fad—invoking the Fifth
Amendment.
Popularized by the wave of Enron and Arthur Andersen officials taking the Fifth in front of
the current Congressional probe, “Fifthing”—as those in the know are calling it
now—has become the fashionable way to respond to charges. Fifthing has long been
the preferred manner of defense for white collar suspects and political figures undergoing
questioning, but lately it’s extending far beyond.
“Nearly 30 of our suspects in questioning have taken the Fifth Amendment this week,” said
New York City police sergeant Michael Rosen. “Ranging from domestic abuse cases to
drug trafficking and murder suspects. It’s a popular defense right now.”
“I am invoking my Fifth Amendment rights against self-incrimination,” said alleged murderer
Ricky “Bollweevil” Hines to three detectives questioning him. Hines was found with a
bloody axe in the apartment of a hooker, who was found dismembered and clearly labeled
by body parts in her own freezer. Charged with the murder, Hines appeared disappointed
and could only shake his head, adding, “I hope that after making the agonizing decision to
take the Fifth, it doesn’t appear to others like I am guilty of the crime I’ve been accused
of.”
“The Fifth Amendment is there to protect the innocent man against self-incrimination,” said
accused shoplifter Boot Martin. “Perhaps a few weeks ago I would have reacted differently
to the charges against me, but after much soul-searching and consideration, I am taking the
advice of counsel and Fifthing—I mean, invoking my rights according to the
Constitution. I will not incriminate myself. Let the eyewitnesses and that lousy videotape do
it.”
“It really doesn’t change much,” said Law Professor Dershall Alanowitz. “Either you
confess or you plead not guilty. Most of the time the accused doesn’t elect to take the stand
against themselves or anything, no surprise there. Kenneth Lay just took an old hat and gave
it a cool new feather.”
Much of the buzz surrounding the Fifth Amendment comes from the Enron hearings and the
parade of Enron officials, most notably former Enron CEO Kenneth Lay, who all took the
Fifth rather than answer questions from senators on the committee. Lay, once finished
delivering a practiced speech declining to answer questions and announcing he’d invoke the
Fifth Amendment, was then subject to harsh insults and jibes by the Congressional
Committee. Sen. Ernest Hollings (D., South Carolina) implied Lay’s tie was purchased
cheap at a K-Mart sidewalk sale. While Sen. John McCain (R., Arizona) stated Lay should
be tried for crimes against humanity for his shoes alone.
Like most fads, criminologists and law experts believe it will pass quickly.
“Before too long,” said Professor Alanowitz, “criminals will be back to confessing and
telling their stories at length, for movies of the week and hot tell-all books. And Fifthing will
be as out of date as Ken Lay’s suit. Did you see that number? Ike called, he wants his
burial wear back.”
the commune news is only too happy to incriminate itself, and invites you along for the ride.
Ivan Nacutchacokov wants everyone to know the musical he’s writing about his life is
coming along fabulously, except for the music part, and the words could use a little work.
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