Milosevic Sports New Mustache For Trial
Hopes dapper new look will lead to acquittal
BY
RAMON NOOTLES The Hague, Netherlands
JUNIOR BACON, UP CLOSE FOR THE COMMUNE
New Milosevic 'stache. It's supposed to look that way.
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Former Yugoslav President Slobodan Milosevic showed up for the first day of his war
crimes trial in The Hague, Netherlands with a fierce determination to prove his innocence
against the charges—and with a hot new look.
Milosevic’s new mustache was reportedly recommended by his legal advisors, in an effort
to change his appearance from the Slobodan Milosevic that has been seen all over the
news, a visage people around the world have come to know and hate for the charges
against him. Legal advisors believed a mustache would make Milosevic look more
distinguished and lovable, like America’s Wilford Brimley.
Yuri Nokostimov, a part of Milosevic’s legal team, was quoted as saying, “Uh… it isn’t
quite what I had in mind. It’s, er, definitely a… change. Big change.”
Valta Krikosec, another legal consultant aiding in Milosevic’s defense, added, “I’m sure it
will have an effect on the jury.”
Milosevic is charged with 66 counts, including crimes against humanity for actions in Croatia
and Kosovo and genocide in Bosnia. The former Yugoslav President’s efforts to cleanse
Croatia, Bosnia, and Kosovo of ethnic Albanians has led to his being labeled the biggest
war criminal since the Nuremberg Trials.
Milosevic has called the trial illegal and said he is not guilty of the charges. He has never
killed a person, only Kosovars [ethnic Albanians] and enemies of Yugoslavia.
Though considered less than respectful to the judge and those involved in the trial since its
inception, Milosevic arrived Thursday and promptly greeted Judge Richard May with an
open-handed salute. May didn’t appear impressed with Milosevic’s effort.
“He looks different with that mustache, that’s for sure,” said Co-Prosecutor Dirk
Ryneveld. “Something is very familiar about it instantly.”
“I know!” exclaimed Co-Prosecutor Geoffrey Nice. “Charlie Chaplin has a mustache just
like that.”
Prosecutors stated that until 1999, 800,000 Kosovo Albanians were forced to flee their
homes due to actions of Serb troops acting under Milosevic. At the end of the statement,
Milosevic made a farting noise from his defense table and chuckled loudly, applauding
himself.
If found guilty, Milosevic could face a life imprisonment. When asked for his opinion on the
trial, President Bush said, “I would not want to be in Slobobobobadan Milosevic’s place.
He is fat and old and his mustache looks stupid.”
the commune news lists its musical influences as Tom Petty, Heart, and Creedence
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though it isn’t for another ten years.
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