Dear commune:

I appreciate your views and your attention to the various sources of news out there. the commune is one of the finest Internet publications I’ve ever read, and that’s not saying much. But I’m afraid I write to you with matters other than praise in mind.

I have recently been treed by a large Kodiak bear. In fact, it was less than thirty minutes ago. I’m afraid I am stumped for what to do. The branches are weakening and the bear has attempted repeatedly to either jump up and grab me or push the tree over with his brute strength and I’m afraid he’ll yet succeed.

Please do not ask how I am able to communicate via the mail from my current whereabouts and situation. Also, please do not suggest I throw food to him to distract him. If I had food with me I surely wouldn’t be writing to the commune without trying that first. Thank you and step on the response, please.

Donald Grady
Cabrio, WY

Dear Donald:

Okay, so… how’d you get the letter mailed once again? Yeah, I know you said don’t, but… what’s the deal? It boggles our minds.

the commune

Dear commune:

I really, really like camp here. I was wrong. I said I didn’t want to come and I didn’t but I’m glad I came because it is a lot of fun here.

The counselors say nice things to me and we have to work real hard all day and exercise and they never give us real food and a lot of the kids turn up missing once in a while but they usually show up sooner or later when they’re caught and brought back. Best of all, no one calls me fat here and nobody calls none of the kids here. Besides the guy who brings the food in on the truck he always says, “Another drop off for the fat kids camp.” But all the camp counselors say husky and even the kids don’t call me fat because they’re all fat. Some are fatter than me. I mean husky.

I want to come home.

Christopher Pinzer
Camp Positive, KS

Dear Christopher:

Maybe he had a dog or something that ran the letter down from the tree. But how would a dog climb a tree? And if he had the dog, maybe the bear would’ve tried to eat it or at least chased it and he could’ve gotten down from the tree anyway. And couldn’t the dog have just carried a note to someone who could get a park ranger or something? Instead of addressing, stamping, and mailing a letter. Puzzling.

the commune

Dear commune:

Here are hot XXX pictures of my girlfriend. She’s a fine-ass whore. She loves to suck it from a bucket.

I think you can throw away all the other entries right now. Ain’t nobody a hot-ass honey more than my girl. She does it all. All anal, all oral, all over the place. She may be entering your “Hottest Amateur” contest but she does it all like a pro. Ain’t nobody getting’ no better. And she’s mine, all mine, fellas. You can look but you better not touch.

Okay, you got me. She’s not my girlfriend. But she is my sister. Do I still get the prize money?

Ronnie Hulmut
Little Chuck, AR

Dear Ronnie:

It’s possible maybe, just maybe, he suspected he might be treed by a Kodiak bear without food for distracting it, and prepared a letter to mail to us in case he didn’t come back within a certain amount of time. But that seems highly unlikely. Such a detailed letter and he didn’t say he was mailing it in advance? Did a psychic maybe tell him it was possible a Kodiak bear was going to catch him up a tree and he should turn to us for help? But if he had any inclination surely he would’ve taken a cell phone or something at least, or bear food or some tranquilizers. Or at least a friend to go and get the ranger. What the hell’s the deal?

the commune

Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible for anything printed on our website. We’ve been taking everything straight from www.villagevoice.com and just replacing the names for weeks now.