Rubber Ain't My Brother Ned Nedmiller, Bumper Bowler
Wednesday, Aug. 15, 2001
Time to set the record straight, Pop'n Fresh. Who's in the kitchen with Dinah? Neddikins
Nedmiller, them's the cat! Surprise! Long time this mystery puzzled them noodles of
them noodle-headed school marmots. "Whoozit?" they askin. "Whoozat strummin that
banjo?". Sure ain't Poor Henry, nor Lonesome Tom, them out trappin' coons! Sures ain't
Fat Teddy Wedkins, him out eatin' pies offa windowsills. Ain't neither Ralf the
cat-eater nor Surly Joe, them went to town for the bark-strippin contest. "Whoosat leave
left?" them melon-headed childrens askin. "Who's in that kitchen we know?". Well the
time's up, you paint-eatin' imbeciles, and Neddy's left holdin the banjo. You all owe
me a nickel.
Summertime’s the time Ned likes to strap on a pair of latex jogging trunks and hit the
slopes, them Korean bastards took Ned’s tonsils in the great war. Rub-a-dub-dub there’s
a shark in my tub, that’s what I always say! Memorial Day’s the time to remembrin all
them things you never remembered, like gettin’ your porcupine sharpened or where you
left your mother that cold wintry day. Veteran’s day’s the time when you take your
horse in to get his elbows checked for white dwarfs, that’s the day.
Newsflash! Sub sandwiches float! Jig’s up, Kruschiev!
When Nedinski was six years old of the equinox, his momma take him out in the deep woods
of them black forest to teach him ‘bout them magic-talkin tree midgets. Ned learn that
day ‘bout the city of them trees, and them midgets who frolic and play there with them
tree rats, and them scream like freight trains and fling their scat like Sandy Kofax
when they’re sad. Ned learn that day not to make the tree midgets sad, so today he
passes that wisdom on to you. Don’t make them tree midgets sad.
Ned remember them summertimes when he was knee-high to a boa constrictor, runnin’
round in the yard like a Chinaman celebratin’ China Day. None of them neighborhood
families had money for none of them Water Witch lawn toys or no Crazy Clown neither,
so Neddy and his buddies Ron-Ron and The Gooch would tie the garden hose to that
epo-leptic kid Stanley and chase him ‘round with flashlights, turning ‘em on and off
an off an on until he’d start doin’ the ‘lectric wiggle like a honeybee mappin’ out
the way to the treasure. Then we frolic and play in the water, til them vultures
start to circle overhead. That’s when it’s time for some chocolate milk ‘n grape
nuts, by gum.
Summertime’s also the time for them eye-bogglin’ great scientific advances, like
Nedmiller’s beach catapault. Nothin’ quite matched the joy wrapped up inna small boy’s
scream as he’s rocketed out of his swim jimmies and kerplunked into the ocean ‘bout
a quarter mile out to sea. Also works for family dogs, too, but warning: NASA loses
their sense of humor faster than a jellyfish in a weasel condom when they pick up
flying schnauzer formations on their radarmascope. This year Nedrums is workin’ on
his sister-invention, the sea-catapault! Doublin’ the pleasure ‘n fun when you see
sharks and manta rays and small whales flung up onto the beach and highway! Hot damn!
Back to the lab with Neddington P. Bear! Lotsa hours to spend, wrappin’ malamutes in
apple cores and Polydent, and checkin’ the summer sausage for a hernia. I hope the
best to you and yours with your summer projects, and may all your hornet’s nests be
kosher! TTFN!
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the commune book selections
the commune's Bear in Rearview
the commune's Big Book of Duke
Faces of the commune
the commune 100: Leaders and Revolutionaries
the commune 100: Traitors and Noodledicks
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Rubber Ain't My Brother
Time to set the record straight, Pop'n Fresh. Who's in the kitchen with Dinah? Neddikins Nedmiller, them's the cat! Surprise!