John Leguizamo? You make the call.

"If you need me sir, I'll be in my office gnawing at some trees..."

"Okay, oil's all changed. Now, you want me to rotate your tires, as well?" "Oh, baby...rotate... rotate..."

"Okay... there are a few discrepencies with your scale map of Paris, Billy..."

"With a York Peppermint Patty it's like I'm in the Andes, my spine is broken, and a Soccer team is feasting on my body for nourishment!"

While his wife strained in the agony of child birth, Harold boiled water and then figured, what the heck! Let's make some macaroni and cheese!

Billy's ability to hide a coat in his stomach and then regurgitate it on command sure impressed the chicks.

"Uh. Mr. Nedmiller. That's a toy phone..." "Hush palooka! Gotta nickle in my nose and we're swimming up the fecal trail! Bonanza! Slip'n'slide!"

"Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you--oatmeal's the right thing to do, you son of a bitch!"

Failed Superheros #546: "Third Degree Burn Man to the rescue!" *CRACKLE CRUNCH CRACKLE CRACKLE* "Ick!"

Maybe "Dude, you're a cripple!" wasn't the proper introduction to his new boss at Wheelchairs, Inc.

Gee, out of all the Ethopian children I could have gotten to sponsor, why did they stick me with John Goodman?

You know, now that I HAVE all the Eggos... they seem so meaningless knowing I didn't earn them.

Why he always chose to represent major characters in his stories with drawings of his own testicles was quite a mystery. Nobody understands genius.

"I'm the one who collects dues for the Thieves' Society Club. Give the money to me." "Last time you just ran out that door!" "Well... I am a THIEF, dude."

Hey, honey, it doesn't say anything about killing unsightly large, hairy boils on the scalp.

As the camera snakes it's way down the Psychic's colon we come upon... it can't be! A brontisaurus trapped in amber? This is incredible!

o/'"...FAME...I'm gonna live fore...*CRASH* ARRRGGHHH!" *SPLAT* "Damn straight"

They were so engrossed in their new watermellon tree that they didn't hear the giant beach sandal until it was way too late.

I hate to make fun of the less fortunate, but I have to say that's one FUCKED up mirror she's got there.

"Rico Suave: The Sitcom," this fall on You're Shittin Me Network.

Hello and welcome back to Win Ben Stein's Fruit Bowl!

Somehow, 'The Phallus of Liberty' just didn't achieve the same effect. And the inscription! Filth!

"Go go Gadget NIPPLES!"

"Wow, you're right, that ear just pops right off." "The real bitch of it is trying to keep my sunglasses on."

"Son, I noticed that you haven't been helping me load the big-ass asparagus onto the truck, and frankly, I'm concerned..."

After hours of chewing, Bill blows the world's biggest peanut butter bubble on record.

oops, one Tablet 8 times a day... what a silly I am...

"Here's the Dixie cups full of Pepto you requested, Mr. Lucas..." "Thanks... I can't write Jar Jar's lines without them."

Now back to "McHale's Navy Joins the Axis"

"And flight 276 taxis in the runway... looks like it may go all the way! YES! YES! TOUCHDOWN! The crowd goes wild!"

The hell with feeding me, Seymour! I want SEX!!!

Dude, the nicotene patch goes *under* your clothes.

Calvin Klein's "Obsession" for Idiots.

They stole the beginning for "Contact" from the director's cut of "It's A Wonderful Life"? I DID NOT KNOW THAT!

Some men like baby oil, some like vacuums...for Hector, cold steel bank vaults did the trick.