embers of the red-hot "Minutemen Project" petitioned Congress for government funding to support their patrols of the borders of planet earth itself, fearing more illegal alien immigration, the small and green kind. The Minutemen darlings wrapped up their recent month-long patrol of Mexican-U.S. borders, and are hoping to extend their project and, in the future, even help safeguard the inter-galactic borders from unauthorized intrusion.

"If Martians, Venusians, Neptunians or whatever want to get into this planet, and by extension into this country, they can go about it the proper way," said Minutemen project founder Jim Gilchrist, speaking to Congress on behalf of his organization. "But there are laws in place to keep out those we don't want on this planet, at least in this country there are. We reserve the right to kick them out on their asses, wherever those asses might be located."

Angry populist shouting ensued in the wake of the claim, or more like the dull kind of irritated murmur you might here at a dance club when you're commandeering the floor and making all them skanks look amateur.

The Minutemen called their first patrol effort a huge success, a month-long venture in which vigilante volunteers watched for illegal crossings and reported them to the border patrols, never once taking the law into their own hands, we're assured, and hope it's all the proof Congress needs that ordinary citizens can deal with the problem of illegal immigration, without unnecessarily involving trained officials and people who are actually employed to deal with the matter.

"Illegal immigration is the number one country facing this problem today," said Rusty Hemlawn, exaggerating quite a bit. "If the government is too bloated and slowed down by legalities to handle the problem, then it's up to us normal armed citizens to do it ourselves."

Hemlawn and company make a good point, though, that if you are a middle-class, gun-toting white citizen who doesn't have family that's been ravaged by the economy or affected at all by military extensions overseas, illegal immigration by non-white people into your mostly-white country is certainly the biggest problem concerning you.

But, people who are semi-intelligent wonder, how much of a problem is illegal immigration by non-earth entities? The answer might surprise you, if you ask some of the redneck members of the Minutemen themselves.

"I's been sitting here for all my shifts all month," said Judd Bumper-Scruggs, a 42-year-old Minutemen volunteer and recent high school dropout. "I ain't seen but one or two Mexicans nosin' 'round the border, but I seen a mess o' them flyin' contraptions. We got a big problem with alien invasion, and I'ma be the first to warn you."

The Minutemen, not usually the reactionary type, were quick to report their findings to all the scientific bodies of the world, except for the unlucky fact they didn't know of any of them. So the group wrote to its Congressmen, and were invited by famous Senatorial inflammation Zell Miller to bring their cause to the legislators.

Gilchrist, speaking to Congress: "What happens when hard-working white—I mean, Americans, heh, of any color, of course—good Americans start losing their jobs to these green illegal immigrants? They control the laws of space and time, so of course they can afford to work for a lot less than an American doing the same job. They come here, all crammed in their flying saucers, looking to take work out of our mouths. I think we have a right to be protected from that."

Organizers of the Minutemen project claim their sweethearts are already guarding the skies with the use of high-powered telescopes (look in the small end, folks) and the occasional homemade heleocopter, but government funding would facilitate their private police force, as well as legitimize the group of angry crackers.

uthorities were just plain pissed off with the news that America's "Runaway Asshole" had struck twice more this week, further eroding the nation's confidence in the common decency of man, while thrilling asshole fans and vindicating the merely inconsiderate nationwide.

In the first such incident, officials claim the asshole struck in Illinois, defacing the hallowed image of the Virgin Mary formed by salt run-off and pigeon shit on the underpass of an interstate expressway near Chicago. The emergency turnoff area and impromptu holy shrine had become an instant tourist attraction almost overnight, drawing the devout and bored from miles around ever since a homeless man was spotted trying to piss a complete manger scene onto the underpass last week. The holiness would prove short-lived, however, when the "Runaway Asshole" allegedly spray painted the word "bullshit" over the apparition and drew a Fu Manchu mustache on the Virgin Mary with a Sharpie marker.

Authorities believe this to be the work of the same asshole that destroyed the Virgin Mary image appearing in the window of a Clearwater, Florida office building in 1996. Before the window was destroyed, thousands of hoopleheads had gathered to gawk at the colorful apparition, which scientists claimed to be caused by extreme maintenance neglect, and a nearby Target store had begun to sell special bottles of Windex adorned with apparitions of the holy virgin. Authorities later retrieved the slingshot round that had destroyed the window, but apparently some asshole had coated the ball bearing with grease, making fingerprint identification impossible.

Mere days after the Chicago incident, the asshole appeared again in Wilmington, North Carolina, ordering a pint of frozen custard from Kohl's Frozen Custard, which is in no way affiliated with the Kohl's chain of department stores known for their lousy custard. Only minutes later, custard worker Brandon Fizer, distracted by some asshole in line yelling for him to "hurry it up with the custard, dickless," somehow managed to chop the end of his index finger off in the custard machine. Authorities remain uncertain about how this is even possible, considering that the machine consists of little more than a lever and a custard nozzle, but few deny that Fizer somehow miraculously found a way.

According to witnesses, upon finding Fizer's digit in his mouthful of custard, the asshole spit the fingertip into a nearby baby's eye, then snatched it up off the floor and ran straight to his lawyer's office. Numerous attempts to recover the tip so it could be surgically reattached to the rest of Fizer proved unsuccessful, as the asshole claimed to need it for evidence of emotional suffering in the upcoming civil suit.

Extremely amateur detectives have questioned whether there could be a connection between America's "Runaway Asshole" and Georgia's recently-famous "Runaway Bride," either by blood or through a marriage in the family. Some have even gone so far as to infer that the asshole may have talked the bride into buying her infamous bus ticket, or maybe he was even the one driving the bus, you never know. Others are intrigued by the possibility that the two could get together to record a cover of Soul Asylum's 1992 hit "Runaway Train" for charity.

Though the identity of the "Runaway Asshole" remains unknown, authorities claim to have several compelling asshole leads, and are currently seeking out both Donald Trump and the commune's own Omar Bricks for questioning.

At some time during the course of every man's life, he is asked a profound question. One which he can spend decades pondering and considering the ramifications of, swimming in the sea of possibilities that arise from such a profound query. Other times, a man is asked a whole bunch of stupid questions that take about four seconds to answer. Guess which kind of week I'm having?


Are dogs colorblind or what?

This is a very common misconception. It's actually cats that are colorblind, and penguins. While this fact is of little consequence to black and white birds living in the blank white expanse of Antarctica, it does, however, make housecats truly terrible players of Candyland and gives most an annoying preference for old B&W movies. Researchers in Minnesota actually discovered the colorblindness of cats in the 1960's when teaching the cats to drive, which ended tragically since the cats were worthless at reading traffic lights and proved too oddly-shaped to be properly restrained by seat belts in the resultant hair-raising collisions.

Dogs, on the other hand, are actually totally blind from birth. Nature has helped make up for this appalling oversight by giving dogs a happy-go-lucky nature that makes them seem like affable, clumsy simpletons rather than the utterly sightless creatures that they are. Dogs do, however, make up for their lack of sight with a highly directional sense of smell, and a radar-like sense emitting from specially-evolved testicles known as sonards.


Dude, what's up with those Easter Island heads?

Numerous theories over the years have sprouted up to explain the mysterious monolithic stone heads found on Easter Island, all of them utterly false. In actuality, the heads were part of an Easter Island homeland defense initiative in prehistoric times, aimed at creating a series of threatening stone heads that would ultimately form together into one giant robot, which would stomp the island's attackers into goo.

The project ultimately failed, however, due to the fact that actual robot technology was thousands of years away, and the stone heads were only good for pushing down hills at advancing armies. In the end, though, this hardly mattered since no outsiders even discovered Easter Island until long after its inhabitants had starved to death from offering up all their food to the stone heads, in hopes of encouraging them to "robot up" and kick some ass.


Is the Tooth Fairy totally made up, or was there ever a real one and the bitch just died at some point?

By the "Tooth Fairy," I'm assuming you don't mean the fictional serial killer or the famous gay dentist from Toledo, but rather the magical little flying woman who eats your children's teeth and bribes them with hush money tucked under their pillows. This Tooth Fairy, you'll be surprised to learn, never actually existed. You moron. In truth, she was invented by parents tired of keeping track of the literally hundreds of tooth-disposal superstitions that existed up until the 1920's, including but not limited to feeding teeth to mice, throwing them over the house, baking them in pancakes, burying them in hopes of growing a profitable tooth tree, smoking teeth in a pipe, carving them into funny tooth action figures, leaving them on a teacher's chair like a thumbtack, or sticking them up your nose.

The invention of the Tooth Fairy left parents with only one implausible story to remember and justify, and left some irresponsible parents with the option of terrifying their children into obedience by telling them that if they misbehaved, the Tooth Fairy would come while they were sleeping and eat their fucking eyeballs out.

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