Our Proud Sponsor The Handimaster

New From Spankco™!!!!!
The one, the only...
HANDIMASTER3000™!!!!

"What," you insignificant ingrates dare ask, "is the Handimaster 3000™!?"

Constructed out of space age polymers and manufactured in Mexico by underpaid children, this nifty gadget will definitely serve a purpose for your household needs!

HANDIMASTER3000!

It drills!
It slices!
It dices!
It puree's!
It shaves closer then a blade!
It carves the turkey!
It can core a apple!
It vibrates!
It smells like chocolate!
It takes AA batteries!
It also takes AAA batteries!
It also takes D-Cells!
It STILL needs to be plugged in!
It solves quadratic equations!
It waxes and polishes!
It buffs!
It boogies!
It even tells time!

What makes this amazing product so amazing!?

An amazing new breakthrough in amazing breakthrough technology!

ZER0 TECH TECHN0L0GY™!

What is ZER0 TECH TECHN0L0GY™?!

Good question. ZER0 TECH TECHN0L0GY™ is the applied basics of technological numerology synthesized with boulean mathematic principles to develop a highly-conductive and all-inclusive brand of homeopathic holistic and artificially synthetic pathogenizing superlative placebo-styled text-based pacifiers designed to produce a catchy name like
ZER0 TECH TECHN0L0GY™!

Through the use of ZER0 TECH TECHN0L0GY™! we can now bring you the
HANDIMASTER3000™!!!!

And the
HANDIMASTER3000™
is available now through this exclusive commune offer of only

$19.99*
*plus $5,999.99 shipping and handling

Order yours today!

And if you act NOW, we'll include, free of charge*
*plus $699.99 shipping and handling

An entire set of Rustyedge Fishing hooks! (A $50 value*)
A YEAR'S worth of Seminal Oil, Europe's leading lubricant! (A $25 value**)
Three pounds of pure kelp!
50 acres of land in Western Russia! (A $5 value!)
A YEAR'S supply of birth control pills!
500 tons of pure raw sewage!***
Time-sharing in an Indonesian prison!
A dead trout!
The butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker!
A do-it-yourself Ouiji board! (Fun for the whole family!)
One chick pea!

* if we put two twenty dollar bills in the box.
** after import taxes, excise taxes, and a modest gratuity are added.
*** non-negotiable upon purchase. Buyer MUST accept.

How do you acquire this handy dandy device!?

Simple. E-mail us at:

bagel@communeonline.com

and we'll send you all the information you need!
And submit your name to several mailing lists in the process!

Now, back to the commune!