Taking the Fifth Sweeps the Criminal Nation

In: "It's my right not to testify." Out: "I did it."

February 18, 2002

Salt LakeCity,

Lochsen Bagel

Non-talking alleged criminal about to get a royal talking-to.

riminals are usually the last ones to be on the front of a trend-setting movement, being sheltered away in their underworld subculture or prison. But the hippest of hip are entirely accused criminals, and most have latched on to a new fadâ€”invoking the Fifth Amendment.

Popularized by the wave of Enron and Arthur Andersen officials taking the Fifth in front of the current Congressional probe, "Fifthing"â€”as those in the know are calling it nowâ€”has become the fashionable way to respond to charges. Fifthing has long been the preferred manner of defense for white collar suspects and political figures undergoing questioning, but lately it's extending far beyond.

"Nearly 30 of our suspects in questioning have taken the Fifth Amendment this week," said New York City police sergeant Michael Rosen. "Ranging from domestic abuse cases to drug trafficking and murder suspects. It's a popular defense right now."

"I am invoking my Fifth Amendment rights against self-incrimination," said alleged murderer Ricky "Bollweevil" Hines to three detectives questioning him. Hines was found with a bloody axe in the apartment of a hooker, who was found dismembered and clearly labeled by body parts in her own freezer. Charged with the murder, Hines appeared disappointed and could only shake his head, adding, "I hope that after making the agonizing decision to take the Fifth, it doesn't appear to others like I am guilty of the crime I've been accused of."

"The Fifth Amendment is there to protect the innocent man against self-incrimination," said accused shoplifter Boot Martin. "Perhaps a few weeks ago I would have reacted differently to the charges against me, but after much soul-searching and consideration, I am taking the advice of counsel and Fifthingâ€”I mean, invoking my rights according to the Constitution. I will not incriminate myself. Let the eyewitnesses and that lousy videotape do it."

"It really doesn't change much," said Law Professor Dershall Alanowitz. "Either you confess or you plead not guilty. Most of the time the accused doesn't elect to take the stand against themselves or anything, no surprise there. Kenneth Lay just took an old hat and gave it a cool new feather."

Much of the buzz surrounding the Fifth Amendment comes from the Enron hearings and the parade of Enron officials, most notably former Enron CEO Kenneth Lay, who all took the Fifth rather than answer questions from senators on the committee. Lay, once finished delivering a practiced speech declining to answer questions and announcing he'd invoke the Fifth Amendment, was then subject to harsh insults and jibes by the Congressional Committee. Sen. Ernest Hollings (D., South Carolina) implied Lay's tie was purchased cheap at a K-Mart sidewalk sale. While Sen. John McCain (R., Arizona) stated Lay should be tried for crimes against humanity for his shoes alone.

Like most fads, criminologists and law experts believe it will pass quickly.

"Before too long," said Professor Alanowitz, "criminals will be back to confessing and telling their stories at length, for movies of the week and hot tell-all books. And Fifthing will be as out of date as Ken Lay's suit. Did you see that number? Ike called, he wants his burial wear back."

the commune news is only too happy to incriminate itself, and invites you along for the ride. Ivan Nacutchacokov wants everyone to know the musical he's writing about his life is coming along fabulously, except for the music part, and the words could use a little work.

Milosevic Sports New Mustache For Trial

Hopes dapper new look will lead to acquittal

February 18, 2002

The Hague, Netherlands

Junior Bacon, Up Close For The Commune

New Milosevic 'stache. It's supposed to look that way.

ormer Yugoslav President Slobodan Milosevic showed up for the first day of his war crimes trial in The Hague, Netherlands with a fierce determination to prove his innocence against the chargesâ€”and with a hot new look.

Milosevic's new mustache was reportedly recommended by his legal advisors, in an effort to change his appearance from the Slobodan Milosevic that has been seen all over the news, a visage people around the world have come to know and hate for the charges against him. Legal advisors believed a mustache would make Milosevic look more distinguished and lovable, like America's Wilford Brimley.

Yuri Nokostimov, a part of Milosevic's legal team, was quoted as saying, "Uhâ€¦ it isn't quite what I had in mind. It's, er, definitely aâ€¦ change. Big change."

Valta Krikosec, another legal consultant aiding in Milosevic's defense, added, "I'm sure it will have an effect on the jury."

Milosevic is charged with 66 counts, including crimes against humanity for actions in Croatia and Kosovo and genocide in Bosnia. The former Yugoslav President's efforts to cleanse Croatia, Bosnia, and Kosovo of ethnic Albanians has led to his being labeled the biggest war criminal since the Nuremberg Trials.

Milosevic has called the trial illegal and said he is not guilty of the charges. He has never killed a person, only Kosovars [ethnic Albanians] and enemies of Yugoslavia.

Though considered less than respectful to the judge and those involved in the trial since its inception, Milosevic arrived Thursday and promptly greeted Judge Richard May with an open-handed salute. May didn't appear impressed with Milosevic's effort.

"He looks different with that mustache, that's for sure," said Co-Prosecutor Dirk Ryneveld. "Something is very familiar about it instantly."

"I know!" exclaimed Co-Prosecutor Geoffrey Nice. "Charlie Chaplin has a mustache just like that."

Prosecutors stated that until 1999, 800,000 Kosovo Albanians were forced to flee their homes due to actions of Serb troops acting under Milosevic. At the end of the statement, Milosevic made a farting noise from his defense table and chuckled loudly, applauding himself.

If found guilty, Milosevic could face a life imprisonment. When asked for his opinion on the trial, President Bush said, "I would not want to be in Slobobobobadan Milosevic's place. He is fat and old and his mustache looks stupid."

the commune news lists its musical influences as Tom Petty, Heart, and Creedence Clearwater, Revival, not Revisited. Ramon Nootles is rattled about turning 40, even though it isn't for another ten years.

February 18, 2002

Welcome to My Nightmare

the commune's Clarissa Coleman needs elaborate introduction

º Last Column: Home for the Horrordays
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I've had more than my share of ups and downs in my twenty-four years on this planet. After the life I've led, I'm sure you can imagine how happy I was to get a regular gig writing for a well-known respected news source. Then those dildos at Entertainment Weekly bounced my ass back into the street. My luck always turns its nose down, given enough time. But you know the old saying, every time God farts he opens a window, and things are steadying for me again as the folks at the commune have brought me aboard to publish my column Child Star.

For anyone who doesn't know me, I'll spend this column on the long version of the introduction.

The name, for those of you who can't read bold print, is Clarissa Coleman, and as I mentioned, this column is called Child Star. I plan it to be about the perils of being raised "in the business" as those of us in the business describe itâ€”shit, how you like that? I used the phrase while describing what it means. But picking up where I left off, this column will cover everything from my rise as a child star (see column title) to my plummet to where I'm at now. And if there's any justice, it will also chronicle current happenings as I again rise to some middling degree of sanity or something. Warzy, eh?

I may not look immediately familiar, but be assured, at one time my little dimpled face was like a machine that printed its own money in Hollywood. I first gained national attention as the little girl in the GermanhÃ¤us baked potato commercials. Does "I gots butter on my tummy!" ring any bells? I thought so.

From there, of course, I went on to play baby Alfie on everybody's favorite soap opera of 1983, Search For An Exit. They only gave me one line a week to start, but soon I had more lines than that one disagreeable kid played by three triplets. The whole soap thing was never too serious, just a springboard to other things. Just as planned, it helped me get a sweet sitcom deal when I became the starring kid on Who's Your Daddy? with beloved actor Brad Van Danner. As you might guess, it was the gravy train from then on. Until it wasn't, which is where I'm at now and why I'm writing this column to make ends meet.

Well, eventually, even the biggest hit show can only run so long. We were canceled two years later, a year and a half if you subtract the long hiatus while the network was trying to decide to bring back the show or not. "Washed up at 9," the headlines all read about me. Or at least that's what my mom said, I wasn't literate at the time and couldn't read the headlines.

Naturally I descended into depression, booze, and drugs, though never all at the same time. All the tabloids you read about me? Some true. Some not. Most true. Some not. I'm sure I'll get the chance to explain everything through the span of this column, assuming of course the folks at the commune aren't as cancel-happy as some dildos at ABC.

I want to say, too, that I'll be dedicating this column to someone special in my life. Someone who's worked harder than anyone I know, struggled uphill through countless battles and always comes back for some reason I'll never guess. Of course I'm talking about me. My column, for me, I damn well deserve it at this point.

Thanks for reading and piss off if you didn't.

º Last Column: Home for the Horrordays
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Quote of the Day

“Upon being stopped by the Customs Officer during my trip to America, he asked: 'Have you anything to declare?' I burst forward, telling him, 'Only my genius!' I was promptly beaten to a piteous pulp and subjected to a humiliating search. Needless to say, they found my weed.”

-Wildman Oscar Davies

Fortune 500 Cookie

By next week you will not believe what passes for a blowjob these days. Guess how many quarters I have in my left pocket and I will be quite surprised. I said don't cauliflower last week? I did? That doesn't sound like something I'd say. Remember, trust no one. Including me. If you believe that, you're a fool.

Try again later.

Top Worst Opening Lines to Novels

1.	It was the best of times, no question about it.
2.	Call me Crenshaw, Ishmael's brother.
3.	I had been up for three days doing coke, paranoid they were going to catch me after I sunk the company with my idiotic business practices; then, my fa
4.	I have only eaten three people in my lifeâ€”this is that story.
5.	So I said to my friend Charlie, "Hey, I'm going to write a novel where nothing at all happens," so welcome to it.

MSNBC's Chris Matthews Undergoes More Surgery

BY roland mcshyster

2/4/2002

Aloha, America! Nope, I'm not reporting to you from sunny Hawaii today but that was a pretty good guess. I'm just in a sunshine and grass skirt kind of mood today; I can't explain it. Maybe it was that Hawaiian Tropics commercial I saw the other day. Or maybe it was the Eskimo Pie I ate this morning. Actually the more I think about it, that Eskimo Pie bit doesn't make a bit of sense. Some would argue that you can't get any further away from Hawaii's welcoming shores than to be huddled in a miserable freezing igloo, gnawing on whale fat. And they're probably right, but nevertheless I link the two mentally. Maybe it's those cute little pudgy babies. Come to think of it, Eskimos and Hawaiian Islanders sure do look a lot alike. Maybe a little too much. I'm beginning to think they're running a...