Quote of the Day

“All the world's a stage, and unfortunately everyone's doing improv and they think they're so fucking funny. But you know what? LAME.”

-Bill Shacksperd

Fortune 500 Cookie

Top dentists all agree: You need teeth, so in short, allow the gargantuan redneck arguing over who did that "Life is a Highway" song to win the disagreement. Sometimes life feels like a TV show, and this week it feels like Red Shoe Diaries—the nudity is all too brief and all your sex will be simulated. Taste taser, motherfucker. Lucky moods are alright, not too bad/you?, feelin' frisky, and I seriously can't go on living no more.


Try again later.

"Listen, you fruits!" grumbly Rufus Dent barked to his motley crew. He was beginning the plan, as all the fruits assembled immediately understood with the order, "Listen, you fruits!"

In the crowd was Dickie Dicks; Eddie "Lumbar" Kickenback; Black Tony; and Tony. All were the best at what they did, except for the leader Rufus Dent, who was second best behind some guy who was in prison.

Dickie Dicks was the safecracker. He could hear a pin drop a hundred miles away, which really became distracting for him as a safecracker. There was no safe he couldn't get into, and if he got locked into one, there was no safe he couldn't again get out of. This will come in very useful around the last 40 pages of this novel.

Eddie "Lumbar" Kickenback was a bonecracker, not a safecracker. And not his own bones, either, but other people's. Lumbar was a bruiser, specializing in inflicting severe back problems. Should there be a large safe that needed carting around, particularly a safe with a fellow member of the crew inside, Lumbar was the man to call. Look for this around page 362.

Black Tony was a notorious confidence trickster. He could talk his way into anything, except safes, which is why they needed Dickie Dicks. Black Tony was smooth and quick on his feet, likely to be played by Eddie Murphy if this book was turned into a movie. And he was black.

Other Tony was a high-profile cash mover, capable of carrying large bags of cash great distances, especially to cars, if needed. It's probably true that anybody could have done this part, but Tony was a good friend of Rufus and was the only one of the five that owned a van.

Which left Rufus Dent, the man with the plan. It was the craziest plan they had ever heard, but it was just crazy enough to work. If it worked, which it probably will, but I don't want to give away the suspense for free.

"Here's the plan," Rufus said, beginning to describe the plan. "Our target is the vault at the La Gitarra racetrack."

"La Gitarra!" shouted Black Tony. "That place moves money, dog. They get anywhere from $60 million to $80 million a day going through their vaults. How you expect to crack that?"

"I got a man on the inside," said Rufus. "Me."

Rufus began to describe the insides of the vault, and detail the plan, which I won't do since I don't want to ruin the book by letting out all the details. When they had all finished listening, they sat there with jaws agape and stunned. Except for Tony, who had only pretended to listen while thinking about what he would do with his cut of the money.

"So that's the rub," said Rufus, quoting Shakespeare. "I need to know right now who's crazy enough to risk it all for this last big heist?"

Dickie Dicks smiled. "You know I'm in, Rufus."

Lumbar grinned widely. "And me, buddy. Let's do it."

Black Tony smirked pleasantly. "Yo, honky. I'm down with you."

Lastly, Tony, sitting quietly in his space, cracked his face slit open in a friendly gesture. "You aren't doing this without me."

"Or me," said a familiar voice from the doorway. In had come Pretodd Jarvin, the smoothest man with connections there ever was. "You guys are forgetting one vital ingredient to this scheme pie —you need someone with connections, and that's me. So either I'm in or this whole thing stops here."