You need a newer browser.

10/18/26   
Cat-proof since 2004

The Adventures of Sollsberry Stake

by Pat Cheeks
bio/email
July 7, 2003
It wus'n nigh on 4 of the clock when I seen Rush Steamshed, mah ol mate. Rush is'n a first-rate buddy, real true, too. He'sn the kinder feller what would punch 'is own head 'fore he'd a punch you. You know the kind—real stupid.

Rush wus'n playin on bein cowboys an injuns, but he'sn all lonesome goin 'bout it cuz'n it wuz only him. He ast me if'n I wanted to play with 'im, but I sed I wus'n too busy huntin up treasure.

"Why'sn you doin that, Sol?"

"Why, so's I kin bury it all over agin."

"Bury it?" he went a-repeatin'.

"Lawd yes!" I declared. "Cuz'n I'm a-playin pirates. That's what pirates do, Rush."

"Why bugger me stupid," sez Rush. "I ain't ever heard o' such a thing. I thought pirates wus'n all into rapin an pillagin."

"I reck'n we could do that, too, if'n we wants. But mostly I'm a-buryin treasure. That ways the pirates who what originally buried the treasure kin't find it agin."

Rush was mighty intrigued by all o' this, an he wanted to play pirates with me for a while. I sed he was a big queer an liked me like a girl likes a boy instead o' how a boy is supposed to like a boy, an it hurt his feelins. Which just prove'n my point.

After'n a while we got all tarred out playin pirates an decided we wus'n goin t'sit down an smoke some tobacker. I stole'n some tobacker from mah pa early that week, he wus'n tryin to quit by goin on the patch, so he wunt miss it. Goin on the patch requires goin down to a thorn patch when ever'n you gets the urge t'smoke an roll'n aroun for a hal' an hour or so. I knowed it, smoking is bad habit-formin.

We tried t'smoke big tobacker jist like mah pa an Rush'z Aunt Lou an neither of us was none good at it. There'n we decided we wus'n goin t'kick the habit e'en 'fore it could start up. It made us awful sick right out.

Strollin down where the river wuz up on the shore, we spied a ol' wooden raft jist a-floatin its way down the waters. On it we saw Bill, a mighty nice black boy who wus'n our age, an lived up yonder on the ol' Wigworth estate. We waved all frantic like an jumped an hollered like we wuz mad with scarlet fever 'til he spotted us an started t'wave back. He swam his raft on over to the shore an we met up with 'im an ast where he wuz goin.

"Lawd, I'm a-goin on'y place I kin go. Up north. I'm a slave done run away. You int'rest in helpin me run off?"

Rush sed out right he don't know, he need t'sit down an think on it a while. But I wuz right happy to help. I done thought 'bout it long time before, 'bout what it's like to the property of'n someone else. Bein forced to help do they chores an all the stuff they'ren too lazy to do jist cuz your skin ain't white. I may not know Heaven or Hell or nothin like that, but I knowed what's right an wrong here on the earth.

"Sure, I'll help you, Bill," I told him. "I've always thought you wus'n a mighty good ni—"

Well, I reck'n I didn't get much farther than that when Bill done whomped me on the head an started hittin on m'mouth, got it all bloodied up. Heck if I knewed it, but apparently it ain't okay to use that word no longer in 2003.


Milestones
2003: The infamous "Battle of the Bulge" breaks out at when office wench Ivana Folger-Balzac mistakes Ramrod Hurley's beerbelly for a birthing alien larvae and sets into the Acting-Editor with a can opener. The skirmish and resultant standoff lasts 18 hours and claims the lives of several Crochet! magazine staffers, for whom the commune observes a moment of near-silence.
Now Hiring
Sexecutioner. Why does everybody keep laughing when we say that? We need a dude who can kill some fucking people in an official capacity, okay? What's so funny about that? You guys are sick. Anyway, pay commensurate to experience. Must provide own mask, axe, electric chair, whatever floats your boat.
Top 5 commune Features This Week
1.Everybody Loves Racism
2.It's Already in Your Lungs
3.Diary of a Mad Bootblack
4.12,000 Grade School Kids Singing "Some Like it Hot"
5.Fun is Overrated
Archives
D.M.Z.
"Your problem, Private Crunch," yelled the sergeant, "is that you think war is glory. That war is a game. Well, I've got news for you, and it's going to tickle you right down to your big fat cockles—war is hellish!" Private Benji Hammond Krunk... (6/23/03)

Confederacy of Assholes
"When you speak to me, Geech, do it with respect," I told him. Geech was an even larger asshole than myself, size-wise, but I was the asshole of greater intensity. "Who put the bee in your beret today?" asked Geech. He lit a cigarette and began... (6/9/03)

The L.I.E. Renovelized
"Welcome to the L.I.E.," said the wise-looking man who was only wise-looking because the program made him that way, and was only a man because the program had a hard time making long hair that looked real. Necco stood and looked at the man... (5/26/03)

My Life: A Pete Durmondo Memoir
Before. There's always a before. Before the breakthrough role in Crush of the Wheel. Before the 1976 Best Supporting Actor Oscar nomination for Daddy's Favorite. Before the attempted murder charge and consequent complete acquittal on the charges.... (5/12/03)

more