Up, Up and Away

by Tyler Swick

April 28, 2003

Up, up and away
in my beautiful balloon!
Not a sound as I
lift off the ground.
Piss on you suckers
and your ground-standing!

Goddamn there sure are a lot
of birds up here,
and not just cute ones.
I could swear some of these
birds have gonads.
Gross.

Getting kind of dizzyâ€¦
probably should have brought
a tank of oxygen or
blew some in a bag or something.
I thought there'd be more air up here,
it looked pretty airy from the ground.

Hey how'd this goddamned bear get in here?
Shit, I wish this beautiful balloon was
bigger and had a closet to hide
in or something.

Kinda cold up here too.
You'd think being closer to
the sun and all it'd be hot
but you'd be the asshole there.
Cold as my stepmom's dick up here.

Should've brought some food
probably
at least some mixed nuts.
I could probably catch a bird
to eat if I wanted to,
but goddamn that sounds like work.

As long as we're talking about
shit I'd do different,
I definitely would have pissed
before I left.
Damn. I'm crampin' up here, big time.
I'd whip it out but I'm worried
the shit would freeze and I'd
have like a two-mile-long icicle
hanging off my dick.
Fuck that!

I hate ballooning.
As soon as I get down I'm going
straight to the fanciest restaurant in
town and I'm going to piss
while they cook me a steak.

If that's not an option,
I'm gettin' some cornnuts.

Hopefully I didn't balloon back in time
because Ronnie owes me money
and that'd be just my fucking luck.

OK gotta go, the bear's got an idea.
If you see my balloon,
fuck you.
Nothing personal
that just means I'm still stuck up here.
Later.

Quote of the Day

“Sometimes when we touch the honesty's too much. Okay, you want the truth? It's not the honesty. It's that really rough patch of skin you have. Have you ever been to a doctor for shingles?”

-Hildy Daniels

Fortune 500 Cookie

This Bud's for you; at least, that's what I'm telling the cops if they pull us over. You'll be horrified to learn that woman you've been ogling in that "Physical" video for years is mom. White man finally break treaty again, just like you been expecting all these years. Take the Rockford Files theme off your answering machine already, the joke was old in 1994.

Try again later.

John McCain's Most Ill-Conceived Jokes

1.	Trick "Good for One Free House-Cleaning" coupon he gives to homeless that looks like $100 bill
2.	Open letter to Crocodile Hunter widow Terri Irwin inviting her to spend the night with a "real man"
3.	"I fully and unequivocably support the rights of homosexuals. Nah, just kidding. That shit makes me throw up."
4.	Wearing hole-filled NASA sweatshirt to press conference Saturday
5.	Big "I have cancer" gag in 2000 election

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Curses
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