I am the proud president and founder of the commune Enthusiasts Club, you all know this, but last week I was also the host of the grandest commune Enthusiasts Club meeting of all time. In addition to our usual roster, about 10 and counting, we also had a very special guest—Red Bagel himself!

We were very delighted to have Mr. Bagel, fearless editor of the commune, the very commune we’re enthused about, stop by at our invitation to answer some of our questions about his work. And please don’t let the fact many of the members asked you who you were make you think they’re not fans, Mr. Bagel. Some of them are merely recovering addicts, some recovering more than others, and they forget things easily.

As always, Mr. Bagel was informative and fiery in his denouncing of the secret Constitution the House has been assembling below the public radar. I was quite alarmed, needless to say, that all this could be going on without any media source reporting it. I don’t have to tell you, if they ratify this thing in all of the real 32 states, we could have ourselves a three-term president. I wouldn’t think it’s likely with the president’s ridiculously low approval ratings, but you never know. Which was Mr. Bagel’s fear, I think.

I had to apologize for Sandy, and if Mr. Bagel is reading this (what am I thinking? Of course he reads the articles in his own publication) I want to apologize once again. It may have sounded like incredulous snorting or snide whispers whenever you said anything controversial, but I assure you almost all of that was directed at me. She never fails to pick the wrong moment to insinuate I’m wasting my time with this commune Enthusiasts Club business.

I’m not sure if he promoted it within these favored pages, but of course Mr. Bagel was in Shanesly for the signing of his latest book, Healing the Blasphemer Within, and we were fortunate enough to snag him for the well-timed meeting. Like his last book, this was released directly to the internet in the free digital format (what a philanthropist), but you can believe I got my flash drive signed—I was first in line! It was a short line, admittedly, me and the Club’s Morale Secretary, Homeless Gary, who thought it was a line to give blood. But Mr. Bagel was gracious, as always, and even paid him for the blood.

It was an amazing conclusion for a year full of positive steps forward for the cEC. We more than doubled our membership and finally got to meet one of our idols face to face. Mr. Bagel, I hope you don’t mind, but I saved a few mementos from your visit. The cup of water you refused to drink (who knows, I had it in eyesight the whole time, but it could have been laced with LSD as you suggested), the half-eaten box of Rally’s French fries you brought with you, and some of your beard trimmings. You can hardly blame me, you were the one so temptingly demonstrating how you shave to our audience! Just kidding, of course, it was a fun demonstration.

What do we have in store for next year? Well, I look forward to expanding our membership, especially since I’ve told Sandy I’ll accept her resignation if she can bring in five more people to replace her. And I hope to see many more commune guests. We’ve been compiling funds for Omar Bricks’ personal appearance fee, a new car with fuzzy seat covers, and we also want to get Griswald Dreck in to answer a few of our questions about the solar system. Ambitious? You know it! I didn’t get to be president because I’m the only one who does everything for the club. I have a vision, and I’m sharing it.