Assad the Unseen

Von Poppel attempts to lead the crowd in a chant of “Hey! Ho!” moments before the figs began flying

Just days before the scheduled transfer of power to Iraqi officials, the U.S. occupation suffered another major blow when radical Shiite head cleric and suspected U.S. puppet Boner Von Poppel was killed during a community uprising in Baghdad. The elderly fig farmers who stoned Von Poppel to death with unripe figs believed the Shiite religious leader has been installed by the United States to manipulate the local population and retain U.S. control of the region beyond the date of Iraqi sovereignty. While the U.S. denies claims that Von Poppel had been inserted into Iraq by the CIA to advance U.S. interests, local residents never completely accepted the cleric as one of their own, due in part to his B-boy style of dress and lack of facility with the Iraqi language.

When confronted with these suspicions Saturday in Baghdad, Von Poppel confused the gathered crowd and sealed his fate.

“Yo yo yo, lissen up, cuz I got somethin to say. This be straight from the heart, y’all,” Von Poppel told the crowd, pressing ‘play’ on a nearby boombox for accompaniment before launching into a bizarre marionette dance. “I got no strings, to hold me down, to make me fret, to make me frown! I've got no strings, so I have fun, I'm not tied up to anyone! I got no strings, so you can see, there are no strings on me!”

Shortly after the completion of the song and dance number, Von Poppel was pummeled to death with figs.

While U.S. officials expressed shock at the violence of the uprising, many Iraqis were more surprised Von Poppel had lived as long as he did.

“I almost killed him last week,” admitted Baghdad shopkeeper Hashim Ababneh. “There was just something not right about that boy.”

Other locals expressed similar sentiments, pointing out that it was unusual for Shiite religious leaders to be completely ignorant as to the particulars of Islam, or to dress like an extra in a Jay-Z video.

“Yo, Iraqis, we gots to increase the peace and respect the police, you know what I’m sayin’?” Von Poppel was quoted as sayin’ during a sermon last fall. “The U.S. is the best so don’t mess with the rest, y’all.”

Experts believe Von Poppel’s complete lack of understanding of Iraqi culture or the Muslim religion may have sealed his fate. Earlier this year the cleric had created a stir by appearing on the holy day of Mawlid al-Nabi eating a pulled pork sandwich and talking with his mouth full. When the gathered crowd of Iraqis drew Von Poppel’s attention to this grievous misstep in Muslim etiquette, the cleric answered “Yo yo yo, you gotta check yourself before you wreck yourself, Iraqis. We gotta increase the peace, Cochise. You know what I’m sayin’?”

In spite of widespread skepticism among Iraqi citizens, the U.S. has steadfastly denied any attempts to manipulate Muslim religious life, and was happy to announce the rise of Iraqi’s newest anti-U.S. radical Shiite cleric Nihad al-Pacino over the weekend.