The public fellatio of former president Ronald Reagan’s dead body reached a fever pitch this week when a consortium of white-as-the-the-Klan conservatives launched a plan to have the dead man’s grim visage stamped on the U.S. $10 bill. Though the actual image on the bill would likely be of the former president while he was still alive, the group has not yet determined whether or not the likeness will be one of the nostalgic collectable-plate paintings depicting Reagan devouring the poor that are commonly found in the china hutches of Republican households across America.

“The time has come to honor this great, great American,” wheezed congressional peckerwood Mitch McConnell of Kentucky, uncomfortably choking back either bland white-boy tears or some kind of grossly over-sated flatulent belch. “He was like a father to me, or at least I wish he had been. Ronniiiie! Ronniiiiie!”

“Reagan would have been a cool dad,” drooled local fanboy Ralph Huxley. “I mean, his own kids didn’t think so, but what the hell do they know? They’re probably Democrats or something. Reagan should’ve tossed them in the commie box with all the other pinkos back when he had the chance.”

Meanwhile, Alexander Hamilton fans have staged protests in opposition to the plan, which would displace their $10 man from the popular currency note. These qualms come in spite of conservative promises that a new coin, the 2.3-cent “Hammy,” would be minted to house the first Secretary of the Treasury’s downgraded image. Irate callers swamped phone lines for the D.C.-area Alexander Hamilton fan call-in show Ham Radio to vent about what they considered to be an insulting proposal, roughly akin to being honored with one’s face on the seldom-used twelve-and-a-half-cent stamp. Family members of the late Sonny Bono, current resident of the twelve-and-a-halfer’s facial slot, could not be reached for comment. Not that we really tried all that hard.

If Hamilton’s fans are successful in defending the object of their affection’s place on the $10 bill, Reagan supporters (known alternately as “Reaganites,” “Reaganauts,” and “loud, self-important assholes” depending on whom you ask) have made it clear they will take the fight to other, less-protected faced currencies, starting with the dime. Should FDR’s zombielike followers prove too tough a scrum for the Reaganinnies, the group’s next choice is rumored to be the highly popular Chuck E. Cheese five-point token. Early accounts are unclear about whether Reagan would appear alone on the brassy gaming token, or in some kind of die-cut rendition of the former president locking the chain’s rodent mascot in a playful bear hug or a bracing death-struggle for big rat supremacy.

Conservatives less enamored by shitty pizza and skeeball hope the game of commemorative musical chairs won’t get that far, setting their hopes on at least landing the dime. Analysts suggest that it would be far easier to subvert the will of the people in the area of coinage, since changing a paper bill requires majority votes in both houses of Congress, while changes to coins only have to receive a vague, dismissive wave from the generally apathetic Treasury Secretary. In addition, conservatives feel that few liberals are likely to notice a change to the nation’s coinage, since only children look at coins closely, and most are likely to mistake Reagan for one of the McDonaldland gang.

Supporters with an eye for compromise have sought to quell the controversy by suggesting that Reagan’s face should instead grace the $1,000 bill, since few non-conservatives ever see those anyway.

This latest campaign reminds many of an ongoing effort during the 1990’s to have Reagan’s face added to Mount Rushmore, a battle that was eventually scrapped after it was discovered that the former president was afraid of heights.