Future Bob here, reporting for the commune from the year 2015 with news that the tenth annual Straight Day parade has officially come to a bitter end, thanks to the disappointing discovery that there are only twelve straight people left in the country, and only four of them could get enough time off to come march in downtown Amarillo. This is a sad day indeed for heterosexual America and Texas in particular.
Once prided as the last bastion of straight America, the state has in recent years been overrun by the homosexual agenda and according to all reports has been gayed up something awful. Beginning with the legalization of homosexual marriage in 2007 and then the inevitable subsequent banning of hetero marriage in 2009, it’s been a short, quick drop into gayness for even the once-butchest member of the U.S. statehood boy’s club.
As many not locked in the past already know, in 2005 the Straight Day parade debuted opposite the long-since quaint Gay Day parade of San Francisco, which for years had provided over-the-top gayness for stereotype fans everywhere. The Straight Day parade sought to match Gay Day note for offensive note, glorifying horrifically heterosexual behavior in floats depicting nuclear families eating TV dinners and housewives submitting dutifully to stultifying missionary-position sexual intercourse.
Local groups, ranging from the barely-hetero Shriners to Elk’s Lodge members bedecked in polyester suits only a straight man could love, were the parade’s mainstays, clear symbols of tasteless masculinity for an increasingly confused world. Beer bellies waving in the breeze, Texans proved their heterosexuality by offering a vision so distasteful no one could possibly find it alluring, least of all gay men. However, even the ungayest state’s hold on hetero chic began to wane in the following years, as gay male America co-opted the cowboy esthetic and lesbians took over what little fashion real-estate straight men had left for themselves. Rebellious Texans reacted by wearing the ugliest, most tasteless clothes they could find, even moreso than usual, in an effort to forestall the coming big gay tsunami. But before long even this futile resistance was absorbed by the growing appreciation of kitsch and intentionally horrible 1970’s haircuts in the gay community, and straight men were left without a “look” to rally around.
The sadly under-attended 10th Straight Day Parade was declared an official fiasco when it was revealed that most of the participants were gay Texans helping out their few remaining straight neighbors, lending a hand with the floats, marching and baked goods. According to many, the final nail in the hetero coffin was the parade-stopping production of “Deep in the Heart of Texas” performed to lively choreography and featuring impeccable sequined cowboy costumes, a beautiful swirling cornucopia of toned abs and tasteful reverie that all but announced that there were no straight people left in Texas. At that point, the Texas Hetero Men’s Recorder Choir bringing up the rear of the parade threw down their instruments in disgust and started making out with each other.
“Well, I done holded out as long as I could,” sighed resigned 85-year-old Elmer Viddle of Knothole, Texas, leaving an Amarillo newsstand clutching copies of The Advocate and Hunk Sweat under his withered arm. “Guess it’s time for Elmer to climb up on that ol’ gay bus.”
In response to the parade’s results, Congress has begun to discuss plans to have America’s twelve remaining straight citizens moved to a secluded island in the South Pacific, where they can play and frolic in the sun as God intended. Scientists would also study the expatriated straights in an effort to understand what makes them not so gay. Many Senators also believe that any hetero-relocation legislation would also include forward-thinking provisions for the future day when the entire country eventually becomes Latino as well.