Australian Hijacker Thwarted, Drained of Blood
Wooden-stake attacker “subdued” in passenger uprising
JUNIOR BACON
The plane in question, which this photographer ain’t coming anywhere near
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A man attacked two flight attendants with wooden stakes on a Qantas airlines flight between Melbourne and Tasmania Thursday, in an apparent attempt to storm the cockpit and crash the plane. The man was subdued by the flight crew and passengers, and subdued so violently that the entire cabin was drenched in vivid red gore after the incident.
According to reports, shortly after the flight took off from Melbourne the man stood, brandished both the wooden stakes and a large antique crucifix, and began to chant in an unknown tongue. When two flight attendants, a man in his 30s and a woman in her 20s, tried to explain to the man that the lavatory would be unoccupied shortly, he attacked both with the wooden stakes. Before he could drive the stakes through their breastplates and into their cold flight-attending hearts, the assailant was quickly overwhelmed by passengers and crew, and according to some reports, drained of all his blood.
“This appears to be a premeditated attack, though not an act of terrorism,” stated Transportation Minister John Anderson, a man so uptight his pants were almost sucked into his body by the vacuum created inside his ass.
“The assailant was one and the same, quite an unstable man of not-sane proclivities, given to unprovoked violence,” continued Anderson at the half-assed press conference in Melbourne. “Though little is known now and it is far too early to determine his motivations, I think it is safe to say this incident had absolutely nothing to do with vampires.”
The minister’s comments were met with a confused silence, at which point he walked away from the podium with a seat cushion humorously stuck to his posterior.
Eyewitnesses reported seeing the assailant being led away by the authorities in Melbourne, appearing dazed and a ghostly pale white, yet strangely unweakened by the severe blood loss. His only comments to the press involved a mumbled desire to join the Qantas flight team in the future.
Qantas head Geoff Dixon explained how it was determined that the man planned on crashing the plane despite the fact that he never even made it into the cockpit. “It’s simple, really. I mean, what the hell else was he going to do? Ask them to fly over his house and wave to the wife? I think not. The next thing I know you’re going to be suggesting the entire Qantas crew are undead Nosferatu-types who sucked this chap dry like a juice box. Ha. Then you’d start insinuating all of Australia has been overrun by vampires, wouldn’t you? That’s a laugh. What a silly thing you could have said.”
“It’s clear this bloke was a, a what have you, an Alzheimers, you know, the terrorists, that bunch,” said pilot Brett Myers, wiping a dribble of blood off his chin.
Once the flight turned around and landed back in Melbourne, outsiders to Australia were shocked by the violence with which the assailant had been subdued. However, such incidents are not uncommon in the nation, as last year on a Qantas flight an unruly passenger was kicked and stomped by fellow passengers and crew members for over 45 minutes after suggesting a cabin-wide sing along of tunes from Mary Poppins.
“We here in Australia look out for our own,” said Dixon, allegedly referring to the passenger uprising but also eyeing this reporter’s neck in a thoroughly creepy fashion.
the commune news may not be undead, but we’re untrained, unpaid and untrustworthy, and that’s got to count for something. Ivan Nacutchacokov is the commune’s foreign correspondent and had better get his ass into a tanning bed if he expects us to let him back in the building again.
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