Top Erroneous Sniper Suspects:• Martha Stewart • Buster Hymen • Don Keebals • Tom Berenger in Platoon
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April 5, 2025
Your very own shallow grave.
Here is a tale, well-learned, well-told,
about a girl of fifteen years old.
A girl nearly so old she could drive
with pretty brown skin and a look in her eye.
Between that and how she called the corn “maize”
everyone thought her and Indian babe.
Much props was she given, more than her share
for her leatherstocking dress and well-braided hair.
We thought her a mystic with powers bizarre
that she traveled by horse instead of a car;
wise and well-bred, with roots in the earth,
who knew what the wind and the rain were all worth;
that a teardrop would fall from one eye of brown
when someone tossed their litter around.
Maybe, someone said, she lived in a teepee
that's perfect for her, if not ideal for me.
It’s possible someone has traded for deeds
this land all around for a necklace of beads.
So flooded with angst and white liberal guilt
we apologized for genocide and buildings we built,
but we found out later it was all for noit
and it turns out she actually came from Detroit!
She’s black, not a Native, and now we have no doubt
a million other things to feel guilty about.
Milestones
1954: November 11 is changed from Armistice Day to Veteran’s Day to honor veterans of all wars, and mostly to prevent huge national embarrassment as Americans repeatedly fail to pronounce “armistice” correctly.
Now Hiring
Play Director. Experienced Broadway/Off-Broadway veteran sought to bring life to boring old commune Thanksgiving production without mentioning syphilis and genocide. A good show will guarantee you a spot directing our multi-denominational Hanukkah-Ramadan-Christmas Kwanzaganza.
Least-Popular Halloween Handouts
1.
Jesus Tarts
2.
Sock full of pennies
3.
Shnuckers; like Snickers, but filled with delicious Shmucker's jam
4.
Asked to open bag, close eyes; smart-ass farts into sack
GET UP!
“MOOD GORNING!” he out-snouted, through the reverberant caverns of his nose, as he screamed and he scramped and he ripped off his clothes.
Mouse in My House
The mouse in my house has the run of the land. He pees in my porridge and he shits in my hand while I lie sleeping, naively unaware that the mouse in my house is nibbling on my hair.
The Boy From Demon's Bay
LeCroy had some talents, he had quite a few, he could tell if the sun was lying or if the wind had the flu.
A Little Bit Hungry
A midget ate a pigeon and the pigeon ate a pig. If that seems odd remember that the pig was not that big. He was a bite-sized nugget, a toy pig as they say, one that would fit on a keychain should your inkling lean that way.
Scrumpletydumples
“Flippetyripples dapplety-giblets!” cried the elf-like thing. Pouncing on his footstool, he was dressed fit for a king. His sniveling little attendant was harshly reprimanded: “Dimplety-smackers… chalooga!” he so eloquently demanded.
Snuffles, Wonder Dog
The call to alert had come! Or perhaps it was a call to alarm, there’s a tricky subtle difference between the two that’s always been tough to nail down. But whichever it was, the phone was ringing! Snuffles sprang into an action pose with his patented super-sound: “SPRAAANG!”
The Story of the Unids
These teeny tiny people lived in a doll Tamara bought at the mall and when they came out to introduce themselves she thought they were fleas and sprayed the whole lot of them with an industrial de-lousing agent that really was chemically harsh and probably not something pregnant women should get within 50 yards of.