Russell Crowe Receives Oscar Nod for Role in Ben Gay Commercial
Academy hopes Aussie actor will notice them at long last 
BY RAMROD HURLEY Hollywood, California

RAMROD HURLEY Russell Crowe, wishing he was birthing a sheep

In a move destined to boil the blood of the fourteen Americans who still associate the Oscars with outstanding achievement in film, the Motion Picture Academy of Arts and Sciences announced Tuesday that it has added a supplemental Best Actor nomination to the field for this year’s awards.

The additional nomination was given to Australian actor Russell Crowe for his performance in a 30-second Ben Gay commercial from 1991, which featured Crowe touting the virtues of the medicated ointment from a locker room after a taxing squash workout.

Reaction has been swift and fast from film critics and movie buffs alike, who suggest that the Academy’s butt-kissing of Crowe has reached an unprecedented level now that they have run out of film performances for which to nominate the actor.

Some feel that the academy jumped the gun when it nominated Crowe for the low-budget Aussie children’s fantasy Roadblock and Wanker last year, arguing that they should have saved the film, which features the voice talents of a 16 year-old Crowe, in case he went a year without making a feature film in the future. Others point out that Crowe was already nominated in the same category this year for A Beautiful Mind, and that the commercial in question came out in 1991, technically making it ineligible for this year’s awards. And even if it were, it wouldn’t be since it was a commercial and the Oscars tend to be reserved for feature films. Many others feel that this level of praise is unreasonable for an actor who’s basically Clint Eastwood with an accent.

The Academy had already come under fire in recent months for its controversial creation of the Kevin Spacey Perpetual Award, which honors American actor Kevin Spacey on a yearly basis. But even the harshest critics of that move suggest that it made a lot more sense than the Academy’s constant sucking up to Crowe, who many feel represents a “cool, slightly-dangerous older brother” figure to Academy voters.

“Of course it’s a controversial nomination,” stated Academy spokesperson Emeril Juanna. “Everyone knows that, and don’t think for a second that there aren’t members of the Academy who think Russell’s work in that ‘Fast Actin Tinactin’ ad he did in 1990 was the superior performance. But we made our choice and we could only choose one Russell Crowe commercial. This year, anyway.”

Nominees for Best Actor are decided by the acting arm of the Academy, which consists of several-hundred industry people who have claimed to be actors at parties or when filling out product registration cards. Academy member and unemployed soap opera actor Kenny Middle attempts to explain the reasoning behind the Academy’s unprecedented move:

“Well, I think you know how the ladies on the committee voted, so there’s no need to go into that. And as for us guys, I don’t know, you know? I think maybe there’s a little part of each of us that thinks it would be pretty cool if one day we got to hang out with Russell, and his band 30 Odd Foot of Grunts. Maybe sit in on bass or something, you know? Maybe bum a cigarette and just hang loose. That’s a factor that can’t be denied. And really, at the heart of it all, wouldn’t it just be awesome as hell to be Russell Crowe for a while? To have the famous chicks all over you like bimbos on a Kennedy? Getting fat paychecks and awards left and right just for mumbling your way through movies? And how about that roguish charm? Plus you’d get to cash in on the whole ‘foreign guy’ angle, which is huge with the ladies, without having to ever live in a mud hut or eat English food or anything like that. Instead, you run your own sheep farm or some bullshit like that and come off sounding like a real badass. And you look white as anybody else, so no problems there; you just get a cool accent and the credentials to back it up. Talk about sweet. So anyway, when you take all of that into consideration I don’t think it’s at all surprising that Russell got nominated again. We’re all big fans.”

the commune news is hip to the whole Enron thing, but doesn't need to hop on that bandwagon to feel popular. Ramrod Hurley is cool and all, but that Savage Garden song he's got on his cell phone ringer is really starting to get on everyone's nerves.