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I Was Real Funny Before Everybody Got Politically Correct
the commune's Carl Loomis pisses and moans at great length
Monday, Jan. 7, 2001
Everyone I know is funny. Or at least they think they’re funny. And I can
understand that, ‘cause I used to be real funny, too. And then everyone went
and got so “politically correct” on me. Now I can’t get a butt to crack a
smile.
It probably started back in high school. I was a senior and about to graduate
when all of a sudden people stopped laughing at my “plantation slave”
character voice I did. It was real funny, too. I’d stick my lips out and say,
“Yessuh, boss, suh!” whenever anybody asked me for anything. I’d be in class
and the teacher would call on me and I’d do that and nobody would laugh, not
one person. My dad and his buddies always cracked up when I did that, now
nothing. One guy sort of cracked a smile and then went straight-faced again
when no one else did. My teacher later said, “You know, that’s very
offensive.” She told me no one talks like that and so it’s offensive and I
have to admit it’s probably true because I never met a plantation slave. I
think they ablemished slavery back in the ‘60s or something.
Well, that was fine, a gifted comedian like me has quite an arsenal of
material to draw from. But then, one by one, all my great gags were taken
from me.
My first week in college (okay, my only week in college) I got a lot of angry
stares and boos whenever an Asian student would come into the room and I’d do
my little “dunna dunna dun dun DUN dun dun” Chinese music. Sometimes an Asian
would answer a question the teacher asked and say thank you and I’d squint
and say, “Sank you velly much-ah!” Once again, nothing. One guy even called
me something I won’t repeat, since I don’t like to work “blue.”
All of this is crazy enough, but next thing I know, I can’t even have fun at
a baseball game. My favorite team, the Braves, are really kicking some butt
against the other team and I start my war whooping yell and my “HI-yuh HI-yuh
HI-yuh” dance and all the fans would shout me down. Well, all the fans of the
other team would.
I guess it’s not so bad, at least all my friends and family still think I’m
hilarious, but it’s just not the same. I knew things were bad when I went to
the public library and a guy came in with a pink shirt. I started to sashay
up and down the aisles, lisping loudly and making cat noises. Nothing, nada.
The librarian asked me to leave, I mean, but nothing like laughter. It’s like
now white people don’t have anything to laugh about. Before you know it you
probably won’t even be able to make fun of women, Arabs, and rednecks.
I guess I was born at the wrong time to be a big comedian. Everything’s going
to hell in society. Hell, even Jesse Helms is retiring now.
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