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When I Was Nine
by Violet Tiara 


Monday, Jan. 21, 2002
When I was nine
I had a very fine time
and a very fine time had me.
I bothered no one
as I high-fived the sun
and I slept in a mulberry tree.

When I was eight
I went on a date
with the moon
and the stars
and the Venus.
We went out to eat
and the moon treated me sweet
until I refused to touch his thingy.

When I was seven
and the night was eleven
we went on a cruise to Aruba.
I wanted to dance
but he shucked off his pants
as he nakedly played on his tuba.

When I was six
I picked up some tricks
from hanging with Leo and Cancer.
Cancer liked to gab,
but Leo ate the crab.
I asked why and he burped up an answer.

When I was five
I felt most alive
and went over the falls in a barrel.
It wasn’t a dare
that had placed me there,
but I had misplaced my apparel.

When I was four
life was mostly a bore
and I spent my time chatting with flowers.
Mom thought it quaint
but dad said it ain’t
and he made me drink four whiskey sours.

When I was three
I was in love with the sea
and was loved by the sea and the land.
But by three and a half,
I had switched to decaf
and dropped the ocean for a competing brand.

When I was two
I had nothing to do
and things had nothing to do with me.
But at two and a half,
while seeking a laugh,
the ice monkeys taught me to ski.

When I was one,
I got nothing done.
I did not a single damned thing.
I sat on my ass,
chewing dirt clods and grass.

What did you do when you were one? Write a goddamned book?





Milestones
1979: A young Omar Bricks writes the first incarnation of what will eventually become his “My Friend Polio” column, originally titled “Why I Peed in the Water Fountain.”

Now Hiring
Web Site Designer. Must have little to no professional experience, critical eye, delusions of grandeur, and think every current website sucks big ass compared to own Helmet fan page with FAQ. Starting pay of $90k to $250k, based on sheer swagger. Position will replace current asshole Neal, who should be finding out about this… just about… now.
Best Selling Albums
1. 
Come On
Britney Spears
2. 
I Keep Returning Like Freddy Krueger
Madonna
3. 
Passable Generic Metal
Creed
4. 
Farting to Critical Raves
Radiohead
5. 
Fossils
Aerosmith



Copyright © 2002 the.commune Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is likely to piss off her dad big-time.





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