Monday, Sept. 10, 2001
Hey, Shorty, you got you another one o’ them Moon Pies? No? Well, how ‘bout you break me
off a piece o’ that one, then, huh? That looks like a good ‘un... you can tell ‘cause the
chocolate’s kinda turned color, like it’s been in the wrapper for a couple months. That’s
when Moon Pies is best. Just like them marshmallow chicks and bunnies you get for Easter.
I like to eat them about July or August or so. That’s when they’s best.
You know what they oughta make, Shorty? Marshmallow frogs and crawdads, is what. I betcha
them’d sell real good. You could buy ‘em to eat, or you could use ‘em for bait. Yessir, I
bet them’d be real popular.
You know, speakin’ o’ bait, d’I ever tell you about that time Jimmy Wayne and Everett was
out fishin’, and Jimmy Wayne won the Catfish Contest? That was the damnedest thing I ever
did hear, and I heard some pretty weird stuff in my time, Shorty, you know I’m tellin’ the
truth about that. Ask anybody. Like how just the other night, Jimmy Wayne and Everett was
out giggin’ frogs, and Everett mistook ol’ Jimmy Wayne’s bare foot in the water for a frog,
and he stabbed his gigger clean through it? You hear about that? Everett says it was a
pure-dee accident, and that he ain’t to blame anyway, on account o’ him only havin’ one
eye and all. ‘Course that don’t mean much to ol’ Jimmy Wayne at the time, ‘cause there he
is standin’ in three feet o’ water with a frog gigger stuck through his foot and blood
gushin’ out of it and all. Jiminy Christmas, he was mad. He was so mad he was vivid. I
guess once they got that gigger out o’ his foot, he was hoppin’ mad.
But it ain’t like he can say much to ol’ Everett, after what happened in the Catfish
Contest a few years back. You never heard about that, huh? Oh yeah. That’s why ol’ Everett
wears that eyepatch, the one that makes him look like Blackboard the pirate.
See, they was fishin’ in Jimmy Wayne’s secret spot, but they wasn’t havin’ much luck. It
was the last day o’ the contest, and neither one o’ them had anything worth throwin’ on a
scale. They was tryin’ every kind o’ bait they was; stink bait, chicken livers that sat in
the sun too long, mackerel, nightcrawlers, doughballs and corn, everything, and they wasn’t
havin’ much success. Ol’ Jimmy Wayne was gettin’ pretty frustrated, it bein’ his lucky
secret spot and all, and he was just about to give it all up and throw his whole rig in
the water and go home. He figured he’d give it one more shot, though, and he loaded up
his hook with a big ol’ chicken liver. Only thing was, that chicken liver had sat too
long, and had got kinda runny, so when he flipped his line back, it just went sailin’
off his hook. He didn’t even notice that, he just whipped his line around and cast it out
as far as he could. Well, ol’ Everett was sittin’ right there, and that hook caught him
square in the eyeball. Just ripped his whole eyeball right outta his head, clean as you
could pull it out with a pair o’ pliers.
Jimmy Wayne still didn’t notice what had happened, so he just let that line fly, with ol’
Everett’s eyeball hangin’ off his hook and everything. The line hit the water, and just as
fast as a ol’ jackrabbit humps his second cousin, the biggest catfish in the river swallows
up ol’ Everett’s eyeball and is hooked but good. Everett stars screamin’, on account o’ all
of a sudden he ain’t got but one eye, and there’s blood all over his face, and Jimmy Wayne
starts screamin’ ‘cause he’s just hooked into the biggest catfish this side o’ the one that
swallowed Jonah, and so there they was, both standin’ there screamin’ their fool heads off,
with Jimmy Wayne thinkin’ that Everett’s screamin’ about the fish and Everett thinkin’
Jimmy Wayne’s screamin’ about his lost eyeball.
Well, it was a mess, but Jimmy Wayne was able to bring that fish in, and that’s how he won
the Catfish Contest. He used some o’ the money he won to buy Everett that eyepatch, and he
threw in a case o’ Dixie beer on top of it, just ‘cause he felt so bad. They was able to
get ol’ Everett’s eyeball outta the catfish once Jimmy Wayne brought it down to the bait
shop and weighed it, but by then it wasn’t much good to Everett. Hell, it wasn’t much good
to the catfish by then, neither. Ol’ Jimmy Wayne wanted to take it and use it for bait
again, but Everett didn’t much appreciate that idea.
That’s why we always tell ol’ Everett to keep a eye out for a nice catfish. You heard me
say that to him before, right Shorty?
You know what they oughta make, Shorty? Marshmallow eyeballs. I bet them’d sell real good
down at the bait shop. I betcha Jimmy Wayne’d buy ‘em by the dozen.
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The Milkman's Boy
Hey Shorty, you ever notice how chunky buttermilk gets sometimes?