Remember to wear gloves when cleaning your Hellraiser puzzlebox, for, you know, safety reasons.

"Fucking hell! These damn Scifi logos! I'm calling Orkin!"

"Hey Mike... when you said you were going to turn off my 'Twisted Sister' circuit, did you mean 'turn on?'"

"Why yes, Mr. Estrada. Those are some nice tooth caps..."

"Welcome to Nuclear Physics with Gramma..." "Why hello dearies! Today we're going to cleave neo-carbon isotopes but first... I baked cookies!"

"Can't bet my nipples!? This poker game sucks!"

"And on the eigth day, God did make Goatse, and he spake saying unto all it was good..."

"Hand in marriage! How clever! Ha ha ha!" "I'm a quadruple amputee!" *FAINTS*

It's always fun to watch Grandpa get drunk, wander out to the collection of rusty tire rims in the backyard, then yell, "Minefield! Watch your step!" Kept us in stitches for hours.

Great enjoyed watching paint dry, but sometimes felt the second coat was too much excitement for her to handle.

One Quadrillion Flushes

Being half-black, half-hispanic and gay, Mano never got to join in with beating up on people for no reason like the other officers.

"Just as I thought, men! The murder was committed by this giant letter 'D' over here!" "Sir... um... that's a harp." "Aha! And so it says on this signed confession!" "That says, 'The harp did it!' in Crayon..." "Indeed, devious bastard!" "*SIGH* We'll book him right away, sir..."

With Santa Claus as Dean Keaton! "I can't feel my legs... Kaiser... Ho ho ho!"

"I vant to zuck your cawk..." "Er..." "Look, I'll suck your dick for a hit, okay?" "Damn, Bella.. whatever."

"That's the third game of Minesweeper I lost today, sir." "Jenkins! You just launched missles to Brazil!" "Heh... whoopsie!"

Police had to interrupt Robert Downey Jr.'s beatbox routine when streams of unprocessed Colombian white began firing, jetlike, from his nostrils.

Suddenly, during the midst of a passionate kiss, Crow realized Tom had been cheating on him with Mike during dark sessions in the theater.

They really should put some bouys around that text. Five boats sank when they ran into it this summer alone.

"Don't bogart that Jack son... we need to leave room for the methamphetamines..."

"Ed, Edd and Eddy crucified Plank!? That's just SICK!"

Yet another couple brought together, mostly by brute force, thanks to Steve: Telekinetic Matchmaker.

"This week, Brandis sleeps with the fishes! And they give birth to hideous, mutant offspring!"

Remember to keep your alien corpses on ice for those hot days when the kids need something refreshing!

"...and then I, Val Kilmer, shall RULE THE WORLD! HA HA HA!" "Yeah, whatever... I'd like fries with my meal, Val..." "Coming right up, sir."

"Well Gentlemen, we have it all... riches, fine meals served to us by faithful lackeys... still, I feel something is lacking! Jeeves! Bring me the head of Bob Saget on a silver platter!" "Dear God, Masteron! WHY!?" "Why not?" "Indeed!"

But enough about Al Gore's brain...

*PRESS BUTTON TO INFLATE CUBA GOODING JR. TO 3000 PSI*

Kind of sad, really, to see Pac Man wander off screen to vomit up pills in a Bulimic fit, just to impress Ms. Pac Man with his boyish physique.

Since no woman would ever talk to Claude, he had to find OTHER alternatives to sex... you should have seen the look on his colleague's faces.

"Okay... maybe I did confuse my tube of superglue for that sensual, flavored jelly lubricant... what now?"

Chad's re-enactment of Charles Lindburg flying around the Statue of Liberty left a great deal to be desired.

Draw the turtle, the pirate, the dead fetus, the flaming school bus, the sodomized nun, the flaming Godhead of Richard Nixon, a duck...

Hey! keogh got the photos from his trip to Disneyworld back! Man! Space Mountain looks keen!

Santa, tanned a lean, becomes a Navy Fighter Pilot, next on the "Shit on your Children's Dreams" network...

In the new Tomb Raider, Laura Croft rolls a Katamari around picking up various artifacts, terrorists and other things.

"You've offended me for the last time, tool box! Prepare for hand to hand combat!"

"I'm your Time Life operator! Call now and I'll send you the entire book collection, or possibly deploy nuclear weapons to Australia... I always forget which button is which..."

Zombie Davy and Goliath have spirited misadventures and eat fresh brains, all while learning valuable lessons about God.

"Go go Gadget Thumb!" "Dad.. you're paralyzed from the neck down after you tried to fly off the roof! Just stop it!" "Go go Gadget Thumb! Go kick my son's ass!" "I'm leaving..."

After pimping Gretel, Hansel located the "bread crumbs" and shot them straight in the mainline.

"But all the cool kids are having the back of their head removed with shovels. At least I think they are! Shovels are the things with wheels, right? I can't remember my name any more..."

With a pissed-off Indiana Jones as Mary Poppins! "Spoon full of sugar, you Nazi scum!"

"Sorry! Mr. Squeaky, the naked hand puppet is in charge and he says you all get to watch me light more shoulder candles!" "Dad, you're damn wierd."

When David Hasslehoff enters the Matrix, you can almost feel the excitement in the air.

This glimpse at Cheney's soul is brought to you by Lucifer, Lord of Darkness, serving your evil needs for thousands of years.

"Exfoliate your face with hypertext! Nourish your skin with javascript! Cleanse your pores with XML!"

Busta Rhymes: Nazgul

"Mommy! Zombie Phil Hartman's at my window again!"

Ever since he left "Good 'N' Plenty," Good's solo work has been too arty and pretentious for the pair's original followers.

Later, when he was fifteen pages in, it dawned on Harold that most delightful children's books don't involve strangling the nurse next door and hacking her limbs off with garden implements.

"And now we'll unmask Gonzo and it's... Mother Theresa!?" "And I would have gotten away with it too, if not for you pesky kids!" That's next on Surrealist Scooby Doo...

"Hey... Sci Fi... you look pretty hot. Those are nice clothes. They'd look great on my bedroom floor... so what's up?"

"Say... I can tell by the look on your face... you want a piece of this big-ass ice cream sandwich. HANDS OFF!"