"If you're like me, you keep your money invested in full yield trust funds. You also use duct tape as underwear."

I DON'T GET IT!

"...and, if you're like me, you enjoy a nice plate of speghetti. You also like to rub that speghetti into every possible orfice on your anatomy."

"If you're like me, you probably have three former supermodels sewn together in your bathtub... Uhm, cut?"

"If you're like me, you paint to pass the dreary days away. You also have some blackmarket organs stashed away for the winter."

"If you're like me you enjoy long walks through the park at sunset. You also staple meatloaf to your chest and sing showtunes."

"If you're like me, you enjoy sailing. You also demand payment for inventing the letter T."

"If you're like me, then you find pleasure in collecting stamps. You also find pleasure in sticking them to your writhing, naked body."

"If you're like me then you enjoy a walk on the beach at sunset with a close friend. You also store your money in various body cavities."

Call now, and I'll tell you a story so spicy it'll make any young girl spend a sweaty night between twisted sheets.

Here at DeVry, our counselors are here to help you with your scholastic necessities such as therapy and psychopathic urge supression.

Tonight on COPS: "Yep. being a small town cop is tough. Today we're rehanging these pictures. Could get pretty dangerous. Better stay back."

"So, how's that dead hooker in your suitcase? You can't deny it, I have photographic evidence!"

"Don't let the flag fool you, I'm a Commie to the core. What? Oh...not a selling point? Then she's a grand ol' flag. Yup."

"Yeah yeah yeah... yuck it up you insensitive bastards. What is it now? Commies escaping my rectum? Perhaps my teeth are made of spam? You make me sick."

I DON'T GET IT!

"Kinda steep? *smiles* Weeeeell, my little Captioneer friends, it looks like your precious Insurance Guy sleeps with the fishes!"

"Hi. Do you often impersonate the Insurance Guy? Would it bother you to find out he was stuffed in a burlap sack? Wanna see my winky?"

Your life is meaningless... No one will remember you... We're all gonna be worm-food...

"Insurance Man? Lord no... I'm the Unsure Man... well... maybe I am... wait... no... er..."