Don't Touch/script

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Instructions

  • Check back often to see what suggestions/alterations your riffs have recieved here or on the discussion tab.
  • Use {} to denote lines and actions that are in the actual film.
  • Do your best with including timestamps of the lines from the film and/or where your riff should be placed.
  • Use [] to denote stage directions.
  • Be wary of lines that need to go over dialogue in the film. Use [TALKOVER] to identify it.
  • Don't sweat identifying references, unless you need them to help describe how a line should be read or a tune to sing it with.
  • Use "quotes" and [stage directions] when lines should be delivered in character, e.g. [a la Comic Shop Guy] "Worst Riffing. Ever."
  • Feel free to just help transcribe the movie's dialogue or note spots that are ripe for riffing.

The Characters

Blasting Cap Man / BCM

Striped Shirt Kid / SSK - the cautious one

Pink Shirt Kid / PSK - the reckless one

Even Dopier Kid - the tall one without many lines

The Script

  • {BCM: "Will do"}

00:44 Who's the black dick that blows up all the ladies?

  • {Kid closing garage}

00:57 "We better call the Wolf"

  • {Striped Shirt Kid [SSK]: "You were probably absent"}

01:19 [as SSK] "...drunk"

  • {SSK: You want your hand blown off?}

01:33 [as Pink shirt Kid] "Maybe I do."

  • {Even dopier kid: "Hey stop, come on."}

01:36 [Monotone, a la Willy Wonka] No. Don't. Stop.

  • {Kids break into jog behind the car}

01:42 [Excitedly] "It's the blasting cap man!" "Yeah!" "I want a bomb pop!"

  • {Kid tosses key to Blasting Cap Man}

02:04 Always give strangers your house keys, kids.


{Even dopier kid: "All set"}

03:56 Fast work.

{Baseball explodes}

04:05 That's worse than Barry Bonds.

{BCM: "...what a blasting cap could do to a human being."}

04:31 [as BCM] "If they were a mannequin."

{05:34 BCM drops hat}

[TALKOVER] "How does this klutz still have all his fingers?"

{BCM: "...road jobs..."}

05:40 [as BCM, squeezed in after 'road jobs'] "...IEDs...'

{BCM: "...public service works...all that sort of thing"}

{BCM: "...people who work with explosives"}

05:44 [TALKOVER] "...are the luckiest people in the world"

{Credits}

06:58 And Roaslind Cash as John Endahl [I know, I know, it was Emdal, but close enough

{Credits}

07:05 Finbar? That's where Troy McClure hangs out.