Don't Touch/script

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Just add a + next to the lines you want in the finished product, and a - next to the ones you want. For lines that have no competition (that is, there are no other riffs they'd step on), as long as they have fewer minuses than positives, they'll get included. For competing lines, most positive score wins. One capper, one vote per line. (You can vote for each line written for a given timestamp.)

If you have strong feelings on lines without competition, in case the timing of the final production forces us to remove lines and so we can remove clunkers.

Voting closes December Noon eastern, Sunday, December 17, 2006.

The Characters

Blasting Cap Man / BCM

Striped Shirt Kid / SSK - the cautious one

Pink Shirt Kid / PSK - the reckless one

Even Dopier Kid - the tall one without many lines

The Script

  • {BCM: "Well that's the way we professionals use commercial explosives"}

00:05 What is?

Competing lines. (We'll attempt to squeeze all of the next three lines in, but if they're too tight, votes will be used to pick the cut.)

  • (I.M.E. on screen)

00:23 [TALKOVER to the tune of The Beatles 'I Me Mine'] I me me mine!

+ * [00:25] [To the tune of Roxeanne, of course] : “Roxanne, you don’t have to put on the red light ….”

+ * (graphic: "Presents") 00:28 "Police Squad! In color"

  • {titlecard: Don't Touch}

[TALKOVER] 00:31 The Michael Jackson Story

  • {BCM: "Will do"}

00:44 Who's the black dick that blows up all the ladies?

  • 00:52 It's the dorkmobile!
  • (sloppy drum fill)

00:54 [TALKOVER] whoa! I think the drummer fell!

  • {Kid closing garage}

00:57 "We better call the Wolf"

  • {Striped Shirt Kid [SSK]: "You were probably absent"}

01:19 [as SSK] "...drunk"

  • (dialogue unimportant. note the background)

01:30 This kid's growing his own pot!

Competing lines

  • {SSK: You want your hand blown off?}

01:33 [as Pink shirt Kid] "Maybe I do."

+ 01:33 [as Pink shirt Kid/Sally Struthers] "Sure! We all do."

  • {Even dopier kid: "Hey stop, come on."}

01:36 [Monotone, a la Willy Wonka] No. Don't. Stop.

  • {Kids break into jog behind the car}

01:42 [Excitedly] "It's the blasting cap man!" "Yay!" "I want a bomb pop!" (ad lib other kids chasing ice cream man dialog?)

  • (SSK: in there...)

01:54 [as SSK] ...In my mom's dresser.

  • {Kid tosses key to Blasting Cap Man}

02:04 Always give strangers your house keys, kids.

  • (BCM unlocking garage door)

02:10 [TALKOVER] ...Don't these kids have parents?

  • (Zoom in on radio)

02:14 It's an AM radio! Don't touch!

  • (dorky kid in blue rugby shirt passes by car shaking his head)

02:21 [as blue rugby kid] darn kids these days!

  • (BCM: don't worry about me...)

02:33 [as BCM] ...I'm prepared to die.

  • {EDK: "well I miss a lot that goes on at school"}

02:52 [as EDK] "Words make my head hurt"

  • {camera briefly lingers on SSK}

03:03 [as SSK / Terry Jones] "I wet 'em!"

  • (when music pauses briefly)


  • (goofy music continues)

03:15 [TALKOVER] The music has no idea what's going on does it.

  • {"Hey there's more here"}

3:35 [TALKOVER] "My dad gets that magazine"

  • {Even dopier kid: "All set"}

03:56 Fast work.

Competing lines

  • {Baseball explodes}

04:05 That's worse than Barry Bonds.

  • (baseball explodes)

+ 04:05 [as random kid] Makes me wanna blow stuff up!

  • (BCM pauses while stuff blows up)

04:11 [TALKOVER] Nice music, is John Holmes in this film?

  • (BCM: Now watch this...)

04:27 [as BCM] ...It's a Tool video

  • (showing dummy before cap explodes)

04:30 [dummy as The Amazing Mumford] A la peanut butter sandw- *cap explodes* AAAAH!!

  • {BCM: "...what a blasting cap could do to a human being."}

04:31 [as BCM] "If they were a mannequin."

  • (kids in awe of the explosion)

04:34 [TALKOVER] Before Mythbusters you had to wait for this guy to come around to see stuff get blown up.

  • (BCM: For different kinds of blasting)

05:00 [as BCM] Duh!

  • (BCM: ...New York's solid rock...)

05:06 [TALKOVER] Is this a poem?

  • (BCM: Explosives have done all sorts of fascinating jobs)

05:20 [as BCM] Why they're negotiating a peace treaty in Iraq

  • (kid: Nobody's building a damn or canal around here. film skips)

05:28 [TALKOVER] building a canoe?

  • {05:34 BCM drops hat}

[TALKOVER] "How does this klutz still have all his fingers?"

  • {BCM: "...road jobs..."}

05:40 [as BCM, squeezed in after 'road jobs'] "...IEDs...'

{BCM: "...public service works...all that sort of thing"}

  • {BCM: "...people who work with explosives"}

05:44 [TALKOVER] "...are the luckiest people in the world"

  • (BCM: *repeating* Years later)

06:16 [as BCM] Clean the wax outta your ears kid!

  • (PSK: Mister wait could I have a...)

06:36 [as PSK over the word 'poster'] ...hug?

  • (anytime during cast credits)

[TALKOVER] They gave the characters names but never used them

  • {Credits}

06:58 And Roaslind Cash as John Endahl [I know, I know, it was Emdal, but close enough

  • {Credits}

07:05 Finbar? That's where Troy McClure hangs out.


  • Check back often to see what suggestions/alterations your riffs have recieved here or on the discussion tab.
  • Use {} to denote lines and actions that are in the actual film.
  • Do your best with including timestamps of the lines from the film and/or where your riff should be placed.
  • Use [] to denote stage directions.
  • Be wary of lines that need to go over dialogue in the film. Use [TALKOVER] to identify it.
  • Don't sweat identifying references, unless you need them to help describe how a line should be read or a tune to sing it with.
  • Use "quotes" and [stage directions] when lines should be delivered in character, e.g. [a la Comic Shop Guy] "Worst Riffing. Ever."
  • Feel free to just help transcribe the movie's dialogue or note spots that are ripe for riffing.