Don't Touch/script

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The Characters

Blasting Cap Man / BCM

Striped Shirt Kid / SSK - the cautious one

Pink Shirt Kid / PSK - the reckless one

Even Dopier Kid - the tall one without many lines

The Script

  • {BCM: "Well that's the way we professionals use commercial explosives"}

00:05 What is?

Competing lines. (We'll attempt to squeez the next three lines in, but if they're too tight, votes will be used to pick the cut.)

  • (I.M.E. on screen)

00:23 [TALKOVER to the tune of The Beatles 'I Me Mine'] I me me mine!

  • [00:25] [To the tune of Roxeanne, of course] : “Roxanne, you don’t have to put on the red light ….”
  • (graphic: "Presents")

00:28 "Polic Squad! In color"


  • {titlecard: Don't Touch}

[TALKOVER] 00:31 The Michael Jackson Story

  • {BCM: "Will do"}

00:44 Who's the black dick that blows up all the ladies?

  • 00:52 It's the dorkmobile!
  • (sloppy drum fill)

00:54 [TALKOVER] whoa! I think the drummer fell!

  • {Kid closing garage}

00:57 "We better call the Wolf"

  • {Striped Shirt Kid [SSK]: "You were probably absent"}

01:19 [as SSK] "...drunk"

  • (dialogue unimportant. note the background)

01:30 This kid's growing his own pot!

Competing lines

  • {SSK: You want your hand blown off?}

01:33 [as Pink shirt Kid] "Maybe I do."

01:33 [as Pink shirt Kid/Sally Struthers] "Sure! We all do."


  • {Even dopier kid: "Hey stop, come on."}

01:36 [Monotone, a la Willy Wonka] No. Don't. Stop.

  • {Kids break into jog behind the car}

01:42 [Excitedly] "It's the blasting cap man!" "Yay!" "I want a bomb pop!" (ad lib other kids chasing ice cream man dialog?)

  • (SSK: in there...)

01:54 [as SSK] ...In my mom's dresser.

  • {Kid tosses key to Blasting Cap Man}

02:04 Always give strangers your house keys, kids.

  • (BCM unlocking garage door)

02:10 [TALKOVER] ...Don't these kids have parents?

  • (Zoom in on radio)

02:14 It's an AM radio! Don't touch!

  • (dorky kid in blue rugby shirt passes by car shaking his head)

02:21 [as blue rugby kid] darn kids these days!

  • (BCM: don't worry about me...)

02:33 [as BCM] ...I'm prepared to die.

  • {EDK: "well I miss a lot that goes on at school"}

02:52 [as EDK] "Words make my head hurt"

  • {camera briefly lingers on SSK}

03:03 [as SSK / Terry Jones] "I wet 'em!"

  • (when music pauses briefly)

03:10 [TALKOVER] KABOOM!!

  • (goofy music continues)

03:15 [TALKOVER] The music has no idea what's going on does it.

  • {"Hey there's more here"}

3:35 [TALKOVER] "My dad gets that magazine"

  • {Even dopier kid: "All set"}

03:56 Fast work.

Competing lines

  • {Baseball explodes}

04:05 That's worse than Barry Bonds.

  • (baseball explodes)

04:05 [as random kid] Makes me wanna blow stuff up!

  • (BCM pauses while stuff blows up)

04:11 [TALKOVER] Nice music, is John Holmes in this film?

  • (BCM: Now watch this...)

04:27 [as BCM] ...It's a Tool video

  • (showing dummy before cap explodes)

04:30 [dummy as The Amazing Mumford] A la peanut butter sandw- *cap explodes* AAAAH!!

  • {BCM: "...what a blasting cap could do to a human being."}

04:31 [as BCM] "If they were a mannequin."

  • (kids in awe of the explosion)

04:34 [TALKOVER] Before Mythbusters you had to wait for this guy to come around to see stuff get blown up.

  • (BCM: For different kinds of blasting)

05:00 [as BCM] Duh!

  • (BCM: ...New York's solid rock...)

05:06 [TALKOVER] Is this a poem?

  • (BCM: Explosives have done all sorts of fascinating jobs)

05:20 [as BCM] Why they're negotiating a peace treaty in Iraq

  • (kid: Nobody's building a damn or canal around here. film skips)

05:28 [TALKOVER] building a canoe?

  • {05:34 BCM drops hat}

[TALKOVER] "How does this klutz still have all his fingers?"

  • {BCM: "...road jobs..."}

05:40 [as BCM, squeezed in after 'road jobs'] "...IEDs...'

{BCM: "...public service works...all that sort of thing"}

  • {BCM: "...people who work with explosives"}

05:44 [TALKOVER] "...are the luckiest people in the world"

  • (BCM: *repeating* Years later)

06:16 [as BCM] Clean the wax outta your ears kid!

  • (PSK: Mister wait could I have a...)

06:36 [as PSK over the word 'poster'] ...hug?

  • (anytime during cast credits)

[TALKOVER] They gave the characters names but never used them

  • {Credits}

06:58 And Roaslind Cash as John Endahl [I know, I know, it was Emdal, but close enough

  • {Credits}

07:05 Finbar? That's where Troy McClure hangs out.

Instructions

  • Check back often to see what suggestions/alterations your riffs have recieved here or on the discussion tab.
  • Use {} to denote lines and actions that are in the actual film.
  • Do your best with including timestamps of the lines from the film and/or where your riff should be placed.
  • Use [] to denote stage directions.
  • Be wary of lines that need to go over dialogue in the film. Use [TALKOVER] to identify it.
  • Don't sweat identifying references, unless you need them to help describe how a line should be read or a tune to sing it with.
  • Use "quotes" and [stage directions] when lines should be delivered in character, e.g. [a la Comic Shop Guy] "Worst Riffing. Ever."
  • Feel free to just help transcribe the movie's dialogue or note spots that are ripe for riffing.
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