Don't Touch/script

Instructions

• Check back often to see what suggestions/alterations your riffs have recieved here or on the discussion tab.
• Use {} to denote lines and actions that are in the actual film.
• Do your best with including timestamps of the lines from the film and/or where your riff should be placed.
• Use [] to denote stage directions.
• Be wary of lines that need to go over dialogue in the film. Use [TALKOVER] to identify it.
• Don't sweat identifying references, unless you need them to help describe how a line should be read or a tune to sing it with.
• Use "quotes" and [stage directions] when lines should be delivered in character, e.g. [a la Comic Shop Guy] "Worst Riffing. Ever."
• Feel free to just help transcribe the movie's dialogue or note spots that are ripe for riffing.

The Characters

Blasting Cap Man / BCM

Striped Shirt Kid / SSK - the cautious one

Pink Shirt Kid / PSK - the reckless one

Even Dopier Kid - the tall one without many lines

The Script

• {BCM: "Well that's the way we professionals use commercial explosives"}

00:05 What is?

• {titlecard: Don't Touch}

[TALKOVER] 00:31 The Michael Jackson Story

• {BCM: "Will do"}

00:44 Who's the black dick that blows up all the ladies?

• {Kid closing garage}

00:57 "We better call the Wolf"

• {Striped Shirt Kid [SSK]: "You were probably absent"}

01:19 [as SSK] "...drunk"

• {SSK: You want your hand blown off?}

01:33 [as Pink shirt Kid] "Maybe I do."

• {Even dopier kid: "Hey stop, come on."}

01:36 [Monotone, a la Willy Wonka] No. Don't. Stop.

• {Kids break into jog behind the car}

01:42 [Excitedly] "It's the blasting cap man!" "Yeah!" "I want a bomb pop!"

• {Kid tosses key to Blasting Cap Man}

02:04 Always give strangers your house keys, kids.

• {EDK: "well I miss a lot that goes on at school"}

02:52 [as EDK] "Words make my head hurt"

• {Even dopier kid: "All set"}

03:56 Fast work.

• {Baseball explodes}

04:05 That's worse than Barry Bonds.

• {BCM: "...what a blasting cap could do to a human being."}

04:31 [as BCM] "If they were a mannequin."

• {05:34 BCM drops hat}

[TALKOVER] "How does this klutz still have all his fingers?"

• {BCM: "...road jobs..."}

05:40 [as BCM, squeezed in after 'road jobs'] "...IEDs...'

{BCM: "...public service works...all that sort of thing"}

• {BCM: "...people who work with explosives"}

05:44 [TALKOVER] "...are the luckiest people in the world"

• {Credits}

06:58 And Roaslind Cash as John Endahl [I know, I know, it was Emdal, but close enough

• {Credits}

07:05 Finbar? That's where Troy McClure hangs out.