Commercial says to me: "Are You Drinking Enough?" I thought they mean screwdrivers!
Where's my seeing-eye dog??
"Then I saw her face... da da da, Now I'm a believer... in UFO's!"
That'll have 'em pissin in their ponchos!
I may not have got the part, but I sure gave Burt Reynolds a run for his
laundry!
So I say's to myself "Time to whip out that anal retractable probe with
grappling hook attachment and a bottle of Wild Turkey. Time to get a-funky!"
I am now dead. Thanks you.
I am my own, "Deadly Sin" sailor!
I regret nothing *BLAM*
Due process man!!! Due process!!!
Let me demonstrate my love for the animal kingdom....
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrious.
Been there, Done that, used the "T" shirt for toilet paper last time I
was campin'
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
Two words...Turkey Bowling
Got Pride?
Well bite my ass and call me Sigmund! Who knew?
Have you seen my dog? He ran off with my underwear a few minutes ago and...no,
I was NOT wearing them. He was.
nothing I hate more than a man who is a pain in my ass
Doctor told me I shouldn't eat the tongue depresser, but I say hey don't
worry, I'm a pretty upbeat guy. He look at me funny. True story.
Show some pride in your country and move to Canada already!
I got a secret! Actually, I got two, but you're not supposed to know about
the dead guy.
Heavens to Betsy! Betsy... has she called for me lately?
All the world's against me except for the people who think I'm already
dead.
I shaved the top of my cat's head so we can share the balding experience
together.
I asked her for a date and she said to call 1-800-EAT-SHIT. I know, I know--she
wants me to call her at work!
Mom used to give me a fresh lunch everyday of Jello pudding and a dead
rat. Ahh... pudding!
So the guy on tv says there's no wrong way to eat a Reese's. And so I'm
like gonna take up the challenge.
Got moustache?
So then the judge says I'm in contempt! So I says, I says "What are you
gonna do, you gonna shoot me twice?" Then the judge gets this funny look
on her face and pulls out a .44..
Yeah, man, if I saw that Xena like in real life, she'd be all over me,
man. She'd be all over me like ninety times over. And so would her friend.
So I'm walkin' down the street and this big ass car just up and hits me,
right? And I'm like, "Hey, what the fuck", right? And the guy's like, "You
trashed my car!" And I mean, I prob'ly got a bruise or somethin', and he's
pissed cuz his car's been wrecked. So I like hit him in the face and shit.
Fuckin' golf preempted USA Up All Night again last night, dammit.
So she's like, "Don't you ever shower?" And I'm like "But I smell like
a man, baby!" And she just up and leaves! I'll bet you my broke-down Chevy
she's one of them thespians.
Have you ever been pickin' your nose and like, your finger gets jammed
up there? Man, I swear to God I must've touched my brain this one time.
Brains feel all slimy, man.
So I'm doin' it with this stewardess, right, and she's all like harder,
harder, right? And I'm like, I'm like a rock, man. And it was great. Nothin'
cooler than doin' a stripper. What? Yeah, I meant stewardess. But she was
a stripper part-time, man. Did I mention how I was doin' her?
Dude, there was this one time that I stepped in quicksand and I was sinkin',
man. And so I did what I had to do. That's why I don't got nothin' below
my left knee, and that's why the pocketknife I loaned you was all dull
and stuff.
This looks like a job for volunteers! Screw that noise, man.
Jumpin' Jiminy Oppenheimer, I left my Hostess Cream Puffs on a park bench!
I gotta go, man, see you 'round.
Nothin' says lovin' like a side of bacon smothered in grease.
Sure, I got a lotta girth. But it's the only girth I got, so's I'm makin'
the most of it.
I remember the good ol' days, when I had a definable neck.
And that's when I found out that "Plumps when you lick 'em" ain't a good
come-on line.
Life is like a box of chocolates. That's what this retard guy said in a
movie once. Damn I'm hungry.
I voted Perot! He's a man of the common people!
So I says to her, I says "Lick me all over and I'll give you a winkie."
And she just like walked away. What the hell was that about?
I'm covered in buttery goodness.
Well suck my pores 'til your mouth's full of oil, what the hell is that?
Give me a minute and I'll give you lovin' you won't never forget.
Whatsa matter? Clip-on tie ain't good enough for you? You snob!
One o' these days, I'm gonna get me a pair of shoes with some soles on
'em.
So she's says that I'm so fat that stuff is like livin' in my bellybutton.
And I'm like, "No way, baby, I had them exterminated years ago.
Sumbitch Dam Mathers wouldn't let me be a guest on his show. Hell, little
prick was more drunk than I was durin' the interview.
I tried to shave my moustache this mornin', but it broke my razors.
Dee-Oh-Der-Ant? What? What is that? I ain't never heard o' such a thing.
I heard that dogs lick you for the salt. Guess that's why my Luther ain't
never stopped lickin' me since I got him. I just thought he was a faggot
homersexual, or some'in.
This is a nation of idiots. One day I'll pull
the stuck plunger from the toilet and I will assume my rightful place as
their king.
Thump, thump, thump. No matter what our color, gender, religion, or sexual
orientation, we all sound the same falling down the stairs.
King Dongs? Oh, man, you don't know what I thought you said!
Could you stand over there? Now can you be useful? Well, thanks for standing
over there at least.
You can't always get what you want. I can't even get a fucking parking
space.
Jungians For Jesus--have you given yet?
I happen to like these slacks!
This is what happens when you can't stop plucking your ass hair, kids.
What has two thumbs and can't beleive he's wasting so much of his god forsaken
life???
I would'nt want to belong to a Buttercream Gang that would have me as a
member!!!!!!
Happy thoughts! Like death!
Yeah, and what if the Bradys had a bastard child? Your point?
Save the story and just slam my head against the concrete--same effect.
What happened to Chong's solo career... isn't that weird?!?
Don't even look, man, she's a "Young Rider".
You bring accidents to a whole new level!
The only constant in the universe is change, Except when using vending
machines.
My mama's fat??? Well, YOUR mama...um...uh...um....fuck you, buddy.
Yeah, Richard Roundtree got all the looks in the family, strutting around,
thinking he's hot shit... oh but I'm not bitter. Not me, nope.... lousy
S.O.B...
Michael please take me back!!! What do you mean you don't know who I am?
It's Tito baby!
My doctor says I'm a miracle of modern science fiction! I've got the ass
of a generation!
Today is the first day of the rest of my worthless fucking life.
Yes! I destroyed the Federal Express Building in Oklahoma! I am the tunabomber!
Someone spank me!
Yes officer, I hit Jimmy in head with table lamp! He say "No Loser, no
sex with keg!" He call my girlfriend "keg"! I no see too well when drunk
& horny.
No! I thought that waitress said "It's all you can eat, Shrimp." Sexual
harassment charges ruin my babe-magnet status! What a world!
She say to me: "You don't put a band-aid on a nosebleed, dipshit!" I think
she love me! *high five*
Leaping Lepers for Jesus! Did you see the SIZE of that lake??? I'll NEVER
find my keys now
My sainted mother chose not to give me a middle name. Had she chosen to
do so, I am almost certain it would not have been "low-life, scum-bag,
dick-head (Peter O'Toole)
Take a good look, baby! The next time you see this mug it'll be on Rushmore!
Yes, I have risen from the ashes of my old self! And I owe it all to Bathroom
Duck!
What's this? I may already be a loser?? FUCK YOU, MCMAHON!!
So, like I says "Your legs are like money, baby, like riches. Spread the
wealth!" And she says "Who's Rich??" What a world
Manny ask me if I catch the stomach flew at the zoo, and I says "No, but
I sure kept those elephant testicles from hitting the wall!!" He look at
me funny. True story
I swear, it's just like Herpies law. Anything can go wrong, you get herpies.
Story of my life
"GIVE HEAD. IT PAYS." All I ever needed to know I learn from Snoopy, my
friends.
Excuse me ma'me, but you have me confused with someone who give's a shit.
(Any cop on a day)
If I were as fat as you, the only thing I'd put in my mouth would be a
gun.
I have no recollection of the incident. If I were cognizant of the incident,
I would have written a report. If I did write a report, I would need to
see it to refresh my memory
I wish my name were Liza Piece-o-ass.
It doesn't smell like it's bad.
I wish I had 40 pounds of feathers--do you really, really know how many
that is?
You're lucky you don't have to live with the pressures of always looking
good.
Did you know beating someone into a coma with a bat is illegal here?
I refuse to act my age and just don't have the imagination to act yours.
Nothing like a good bacon burp!
Shoot me if I compliment you again.
Salvation! Big, buttery salvation!
Being killed by a stranger is the least of your problems.
You're staring at a man that can stop a bullet with nothing but six miles
and a piece of sheet metal.
Sorry. Was that your cat?
You wouldn't dare pretend you like being you!
One of these days you're gonna go into your bathroom and that mirror's
gonna be waiting to serve up revenge.
Eat one for me!
...but it really pisses me off when I think of them canceling "Crazy
Like A Fox".
Bah, homeless!
Call it a stroke of luck, but I'm still unemployed!
You don't take back what you said about Matthew Perry and you and me are
gonna dance, tough guy.
Shimmy this!
Damn Ropers!
I'd rather eat my way out of an ass trap!
I've never killed a man, but how hard could it be?
Stop me if you have crabs.
How much does it pay to be a turnip?
Liverwurst couldn't taste better!
Sure--I'd lick it for a quarter.
I'm having "Big Top Pee-Wee" flashbacks!
When are they coming out with "Toes of Steel"?
Sure, I've wondered about life in France.
Pray he sprains his uvula.
You know, I hate him in spite of in spite of all the terrible things he
is.
I feel like Andy Gibb is sitting on my head and singing!
I'm hungry enough to kick an old lady down a fire escape!
Huh. I guess today really is the last day of my life!
Bleach me like you mean it, baby!
That's something to blow the audition!
I just shot myself in my pajamas!
I wish she were scissors and I was the paper, if you know what I mean.
You ever wish you were dead? No? Has anyone else?
I'm saving this thumb just for you, pal.
That's strange--complete silence sounds just like your lousy chatter!
I'm the guy. Me. The guy. The one right next to you. The
Me you're staring at. The guy. Address all mail to the guy... Me.
I've heard of excess waste, but this is ridiculous!
I've got the key to the car!
That's what they call an abcess!
Funky? Is that bad?
Sure, I could crush you like a small bug, but why, what's in it
for me?
I think I killed that boy.
Doesn't cut the Cajun with me, buddy.
Was there a sale on bullshit?
Taste defeat--you'll like it!
Man,woman!
Sickabilly
Friggem-up
Nyquil
Horney!
Infested!
Cop?
Luscious.
Peterbilt.
Anti-sapien!
Chipper!
Muskrat.
Brassiere-face.
Chowdery.
Weeblos.
Keggermeister!
Bitch-rider!
Happypuss.
Nibbles.
Stumpy!
Teech?
Tubers.
Ambiancey.
This looks like a job for my side-stepping.
This looks like a job, time to get my garter and round up the badgers
This looks like a job, my job, Portugese Hen Teaser Of The Stars!
This looks like a job for professionals! Hand me the phone!
This looks like a job I can't possibly handle!
This looks like a job-a the hutt! Get it? Job-a the Hutt? Like in that
movie? He was like a big slug or some'in, and he had that chick all in
chains and shit. You know what I'm talkin' about.
This looks like a job! *shoots self in head*
This
looks like a job for incompetence!
This
looks like a job with no benefits!
This
looks like a job for the Amazing Shithead--you called?
This
looks like a job I'd rather avoid!
This
looks like a job I saw last week. Pretty bad.
This
looks like a job, but who can tell nowadays?
This
looks like a job I could get into.
This
looks like a job that looks like a job looking like a job.
This
looks like a job--a real job! I'm outta here.
This
looks like a job for my dad!
This
looks like a job for the new guy!
This
looks like a job I'd kick an old lady down a fire escape to get!
This
looks like a job... no, a sandwich! What the hell was I thinking?
This
looks like a job I could easily sidestep!
This
looks like a job for the guy who can't speak English!
This
looks like a job--really not my department.
