The most aggressive attempt to undermine the Democratic nominee’s war record came Friday, when an anti-Kerry group cheekily called Swift Boat Veterans for Truth denied the very existence of a Vietnam war.

“Since there was no Vietnam war,” a creepy narrator announced in a televised ad Friday, “how can John Kerry be a war hero?”

The group, surprisingly funded by a rich Texas member of the GOP, has caused controversy with the ten people following the election in recent weeks as it challenges the legitimacy of Democrat John Kerry’s record in Vietnam and slams Kerry for his denouncement of the war in the 1970s. Now, the group boldly denies Vietnam was ever a war at all.

“A police action, yes,” said Swift Boat Veterans for Truth spokesperson Amil Muzz, “but a war? Nope. For a war to take place, an official declaration of war by the United States must be voted on by Congress.”

In response, an anonymous spokesperson for North Vietnam replied, “Seemed a hell of a lot like a war to us.”

A group called People Who Like to Denounce Things denounced the ads, saying they were disgraceful attempts to damage the efforts of veterans for the sake of political gain. They drew an angry response from a group called Shut the Hell Up, Seinfeld’s On, meeting in the same bus terminal on Saturday night.

Among the sharpest criticisms from the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth members, John Kerry portrayed American soldiers in an unkind light when he testified before Congress about atrocities and war crimes committed against the Vietnamese people during the war. To wit, they replied, since there was never an official war, how can war crimes even be committed? It boggles the mind. They said.

The Kerry Camp, where fat kids lose weight through positive reinforcement, described the allegations as desperate and unfair.

“To have the actions of veterans, even those not running for public office, so cruelly negated by a group doing President Bush’s dirty work, it makes me want to vomit,” said Kerry spokesperson Wendy George, though she admitted it could have also been the half bag of White Castles she had eaten for lunch.

The Democratic candidates aren’t keeping quiet about the ads either, and have berated the president, who they say has been happy to gain mileage from the negative attacks, even if he may not be responsible for them himself. On Saturday, both Kerry and his VP nominee John Edwards called for the president to speak out against the ads.

“President Bush… if you have an ounce of integrity within you, you’ll stop these ads,” Edwards told a crowd of supporters at a fund-raiser Saturday, to which they responded by bursting into uproarious laughter. Edwards concluded, “No, seriously, Bush, quit it anyway.”

The Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, who really could have used a shorter name, launched a new commercial on Sunday following up on its recent declarations. In it, the same creepy narrator boasts of the president’s war record while denouncing Kerry’s military action.

“We all know Vietnam wasn’t a war,” the ad said. “So John Kerry has absolutely NO war experience. President Bush started his own war. We know we can trust him. How many wars have YOU started, John Kerry?”