Mm-mmm! Sweet thing, the ratings turned upside down on the Olympic Games from Athens this week, when the IOC voted on new rules allowing contenders to compete nude. It bolstered a flabby start to the Olympics for NBC, and turned the games into a ratings giant as the week went on.
Upon seeing the dry audience response to the Athens games, NBC petitioned the committee for nude competition, anything to pull the crashing Olympics out of the fire. IOC President Jimmy Goldstein approved the decision right away.
“Now it’s just like olden times,” said Goldstein, straightening his thin tie. “Way back when, the Greeks used to do it nude. Hell, they did everything nude. Which is why I like the Greeks. But now the Olympics is finally the way it was always meant to be. Bare-ass naked.”
Some Olympians were quick to reproach the decision, especially the chubby Eastern European weightlifters, but most came around for a shot at winning the much-sought Olympic gold. NBC has continued showing the Games, much to the chargin of the FCC, with the charge that the human body is a beautiful thing. Still, the Games have been shown on a five-minute delay, so that censors can blur or edit out anything that really, really isn’t a beautiful thing. The network has already taken the liberty with such events as Olympic wrestling, when hairy German Gustav Werner pinned oily Italian Antonio DiScuza around his sweaty lower body.
“Sure, you get a little bored watching something like archery or sailing,” said Pinewood, Minnesota Olympic viewer Sally Nedhurst, “and the shot put made me laugh until I was sick. But if you think I’m going to miss one minute of the swimming or gymnastics, you’re out of your mind!”
Indeed the gymnastics, always a highlight of the games, were a ratings powerhouse for NBC. The network received record ratings as American Paul Gilbert executed a beautiful dismount to take the gold, and uneven parallel bars favorite on the Chinese team Hong-Chu Xy eliminated himself with a misfire that resulted in severe testicular damage when he banged the bar unexpectedly. Slow-motion clips of the tragedy were available, but no men at the network could bring themselves to air it.
It hasn’t been all gold for the Americans, though, as 100-meter runner Isaac “Chubby” Walker was disqualified for living up to his namesake during the track and field event. It’s also been a disappointing year for the American basketball “Dream Team,” who seem particularly impressive every time they take the court, but find themselves limited in their dunking ability without the use of protective cups.
Conversely, it was a good year for the Brazilian women’s softball team, who came from behind to bounce, bob, and claw their way up to the top ranks in the sport. In addition to winning the gold in the event, they’ve all also been romantically linked to Colin Farrell following their rise to stardom.
The IOC will benefit from America’s favorable response to the nude Olympics as well, since the network has promised in advance to split revenue from a DVD release of the Olympic games, as well as a separate release, tentatively titled: “The Olympics: Too Hot for Primetime.”