Yes. I’m calling from American Home Prospectors and I was wondering if I could have a moment of your time. We’d like you to take a little test for us, as we’re attempting to gauge the general public’s knowledge on the subject of various flavors of fruit bats. Yes it will just take a moment. Please answer the following questions to the best of your ability, choosing the answer that you feel is most correct.

How many bottles of beer are there on the wall?
a) Ninety-nine.
b) Different bottles or the identical pairs?
c) What wall? The China Wall? Seventeen.
d) Who the crap glued all my beers to the wall?

If you wrote a sonnet for a comet, where would you tell the senate to go cram it?
a) Right behind the kneecap.
b) Delaware.
c) Up a monkey’s bellybutton.
d) Dinah Shore.

How many ripples are there in Ted Kennedy’s nipples?
a) Seven.
b) Forty-two.
c) That’s like counting grains of sand on a beach.
d) Ga-barf!

If you whistled for a taxi, and a Nazi came instead, what would you do?
a) Pull the ripcord on my weasel.
b) Dinah Shore.
c) Spank out the beat to “Cherry Pie” on a street vendor’s ass.
d) Play Yahtzee with the Nazi, silly.

What’s the fastest land mammal?
a) Landmammal Gonzalez.
b) The newt.
c) That little bitch that gave me the herpies.
d) A cheetah what ate some hot sauce.

What’s the last thing he said before you pulled the trigger?
a) “Wait. The aliens told you what?”
b) “Whatever dude, fine. I like the hat. Shit.”
c) “I love this song! I get knocked-down, then I get up aga-”
d) “All I’m sayin’ is a I charge double to tattoo backwards, ya nutbar.”

What’s the last can you opened?
a) Lima beans from 1982. Thought they were refried beans from 2001.
b) Extra-large whup-ass.
c) Stall #47, Grand Central Station, NY. Unflushed.
d) Proctology school, the day before career change.

We’d like to thank you for your participation in this survey. Your answers will help us ascertain who will make the best protein paste when the robots take over and we become their food source. Have a nutritious day.